Saturday, November 30, 2013

Heard This Week on the Massage Table

Me:  "So your ex-husband who is Australian bumped into you twice now in Kentucky?"
Client:  "And he is living in South Africa at the moment."
Me:  "You realize that if your life was a romantic comedy this would be the time that you realized that you were destined to be together?"

Text Message:  That massage stuff works.

 Me:  "Full-time is about 25 hours per week.  My body has told me that four massages per day is what feels okay.  Soooooo I guess right now you are saying 'Boy am I glad to be her fourth massage today!  I bet she is sucking fumes right now.'"
Client:  "Actually I was thinking it was probably worse to be number 3 since you probably tell yourself to keep some energy for the last one.  On the last one you probably go all out since you know you are about to go home.  But with that said, I have never felt like you ever skimped--I always feel like you take pride in your work and strive to do the best job you can do."

Client:  "Who is seeing me tonight?  I know you two were fighting over who gets to massage me."

Client's child:  "Mommy did you fall asleep too?"
Me:  "Your mommy gets a whole different kind of massage than you do.  If she fell asleep I would be amazed."

 Client:  "I have a house full of out-of-town guests right now but I told myself that I would not be missing my massage today."

Out of State Client:  "You have ruined me for all other massage therapists.  Since I saw you I have tried three different masseuses and I left thinking they sucked and I had wasted my money."


Client:  "I am going to the UNC game.  I'm a Tarheel."
Me:  "I used to like working on you.....so disappointed."

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Heard This Week on the Massage Table

Me:  "This knot in your neck is related to the knot between your shoulders."
Client:   "I thought they were cousins or something."



Client:  "Soooo I understand you have gone into full-blown war mode with the raccoons."
Me:  "Yup.  Got my first confirmed kill."
Client:  "I heard!  How did you kill it?"
Me:  "Well if we had videoed it we would have won Funniest Home Videos for sure.  Corwyn was whacking it with this big sword he bought in Spain.  I picked up a construction hammer and knocked his brains loose.  It was pretty comical."



Client after I gave her a scalp massage:  "Oh my!  I think that is the best part!"



Client:  "You raised your prices....I used to look like a great tipper when I gave you a hundred dollar bill.  Now I look cheap!"



Client:  "People who don't like dogs, I am always skeptical about."



Me:  "Bayer my ass.  Massage is the number one pain reliever."

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Heard This Week on the Massage Table

Client:  "So what's been happening with you?"

Me:  "Well, Corwyn was chasing raccoons out of our garage and slammed his big toe into the HVAC, the same toe that was operated on last year, so he is having surgery this week.  We were rear-ended and got whiplash last week, car is in the shop.  One of my cats was run over and killed.  How was your 3 weeks in comparison?"



Me:  "Do you get regular massage back home?"

Client:  "I haven't been but I will be doing it now!"




Me:  "We haven't seen your girlfriend in a while...."

Client:  "Ah, she's gone.....like most of them--they get replaced.  My mom says my love-life is like a season of UK Football.  Each one starts out full of promise but fizzles out in the end."



Client:  "Oh Kim!  I am so glad to see you.  I say that I go thru Hell working out with Corwyn, then I come to Heaven when I see you."




Client:  "That seemed a lot longer than 90 minutes."

Hubby:  "Time spent with Kim ALWAYS seems longer."

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Someone Died Here

This weekend Hubby and I headed out to the World Chicken Festival (which was not very worldly by the way) and along the roadway we saw several crosses marking sites of a loved one's fatality car accident. You know the ones I mean.... hand-painted "RIP", yellow ribbons, tacky plastic flowers,etc.  The technical term is "roadside memorial" and this trend is creating  controversy around the world.  My question is simply "Why do we feel the need to put our grief on a seemingly permanent display?".

People die all the time and yet we do not feel the need to mark the spot where they drew their last breath--unless it happens on a major highway.  When did we decide MVA fatalities need to be marked like an address on Google Maps? Does driving by the scene where the accident occurred and seeing a tribute to the dead make this loss somewhat more profound?  Does it serve as a warning for other drivers?  Were all these dead drivers' families too poor to afford a plot in the local cemetery?  Did the family members hope their markers would become important historical sites 100 years from now?  I. Just. Don't. Get. It.

Some folks will say I am insensitive.  Perhaps some will think I do not understand grief.  And let's face it, I worked in a 911 Center for years so I have become desensitized to some degree, but this trend of planting death markers along the highway is just plain disturbing to me.  Allow me to explain why these memorials bother me so much.  Ya know what I think of when I see these markers?  Pets being buried in the backyard; their graves marked with a decorative rock.  That is what I think about when I see these gruesome markers.  Which leads me to another thought..... I wonder if any of the death markers are for family pets.  It is quite plausible that Fido could wander out into a busy street and get a quick ticket to Doggie Heaven.  Instead of a nice quiet backyard memorial, Fido will be forever tied to an ugly marker on the busy highway that ultimately aided in his demise.

So where do we draw the line on what is or is not an acceptable place for the death markers?

Clearly hospitals are out due the to sheer volume of sick and injured people that seek treatment.  Picture yourself being wheeled into the ER and noticing a wreath on the nurse's station that has a big ass number that depicts how many people died here.  Not very reassuring, eh?  Ignorance is bliss in this instance.


What about drowning victims?  Will the new fad be to anchor buoys over the accident site?  "RIP Billy Ray.  Good Man, Weren't so Good Swimmer"


Nursing homes......do I really need to elaborate on this one?  Instead of death markers they would need a "Now Serving" sign like Baskin Robbins.

Suicide victims?  Are memorials off the table for those who take their own lives?  What happens if they commit suicide by wrecking their car?  Do they get the death marker then?

While I am making light of this, I truly understand the tremendous loss one feels when their loved one passes.  I mourn and grieve my losses too, but for me, it is a private matter.....with a lovely headstone in a cemetery--you know, the place where death memorials are not only welcomed, but encouraged.





No Fish For Me Please

One of my clients, over age 70, was very agitated about rude drivers today.  She told me that she tends to have a lot of rage when she drives and today was no exception.  She told me that she was headed to her Bible Study group and that she was in the fast lane... and she was even (God forbid) speeding, but another car was aggressively riding her bumper and making gestures for her to get out of the way.  The other driver had her windows down and as she passed my client, she yelled some ugly words at her.  My very sweet, adorable client said she "gave her the finger".  As an afterthought she said "Times like that is why I don't have a fish on my car.  I might be a Christian but I still give the finger and I wouldn't want to have that thrown back in my face."

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Couples Massage Gone Wrong


Heard This Week on the Massage Table

Me:  "I'm thinking about getting a micro pot belly pig."
Client:   "Do you know how Kentucky that sounds?"



Client:  "I love that!  I think it feels good!"
Me:   "You are the ONLY client I have ever had that actually likes abdominal work!"




Client:   "When I hit the lottery I am going to see you every week instead of this once a month thing."
Me:   "Well ya better hope you hit it before I do because when I win.....I will be living in California and that might be a tough commute for you."



Me:   "How did he do in the tournament?"
Client:   "He came in second.
Me:   "That's awesome!"
Client:   "Well he lost to his daughter's ex-boyfriend...."

Me:   "Ouch!"



Client:  "So how is your family doing?"
Me:   "We are doing very well, thanks."
Client:   "That was my polite way of asking if Corwyn had had anymore accidents."



Client:   "You give the absolute best foot massages!  In fact, I think you should advertise yourself that way."


Monday, September 16, 2013

Hot Packs Made Easy

Easy and reusable way to use heat for sore muscles: put a couple of cups of uncooked rice into a long sock. Tie off the end and microwave for 1 minute. Then place it on the sore spot. Just reheat to use again!


Sunday, August 25, 2013

Stretching Between Massage Appointments

If you are not quite sure if you are doing the stretch correctly, please call the office and let us walk you through it so it will less likely involve injuries and most likely decrease pain.

Friday, August 9, 2013

Heard This Week on the Massage Table

 Me:   Did I forget to take you off the schedule this week?
Client:   No did I f u?  Thought it was for tomorrow.
Client:   F*ck it is Wednesday!  I am a dumb-ass, sorry

Client:  Have you heard of Fun Parties?
Me:  Yes
Client:  I went to one last week and the first item they showed us was ball waxing cream, who knew there was such a thing!?


Client:  I think your new room is tastefully decorated and you made a good move trading rooms.
Me:   I like everything about it except for noise.
(As if on cue, bouncing balls started up at the group fitness room next door)
Me:  Well shit.


Client:  How are your chickens?
Me:  Well about 3 am I got up to potty and heard a ruckus--which usually means raccoons are trying to kill one of them.  So not thinking, I ran out the backdoor and into the chicken yard to save them.  I chased off the raccoons and put all the girls back in their coop.  As I was walking back into the house I noticed that I had been chicken herding in nothing but a tee shirt.  I sure hope my neighbors don't have night vision goggles because I am pretty sure that seeing my bare ass would probably have scarred them for life.


Client:  How's business?
Me:  Really good!  My only complaint is I have some clients that want all my Saturdays.  I mean don't get me wrong, I love being busy.....but come basketball season I will not be here when there is a Saturday game.  Priorities, ya know?


Me:  Did you see the news last week, the meth house?  It was about 5 houses down the street from me.
Client:  Oh my god!  We had one in our neighborhood earlier this year too!
Me:  Woohoo!  Not many people can boast about that like we can!




Sunday, July 28, 2013

Is That You, Uncle Ted?


When I was a young girl,  my father took me and my sister swimming several times each year.  We did not have a lot of  money so he tried to keep us entertained with wallet-friendly activities. One afternoon Dad took us to visit with a relative who had a cabin by the river.  Granny, my maternal grandmother, and my great uncle accompanied us on this outing.  I noticed that Uncle Ted laughed a lot and slurred his words and he smelled a little bit like pickles, but since neither my grandmother nor my dad were concerned, I set my sights on getting to the river so I could swim.

My sister and I held adult hands as we made our way down the steep embankment.  Uncle Ted refused help and said he would catch up with us.  My dad and Granny were whispering about something and I could tell Dad was not happy.....but there was swimming to be had!  Granny had each of us by the hand and we were about 6 steps from the dock when we heard a man yelling.  We turned around just in time to see Uncle Ted rolling down the cliff and face-planting into the river.  Dad rivaled Superman as he ran into the water to help Uncle Ted, but in Dad's heroic efforts he failed to notice that when he fished Uncle Ted out of the river, that he lifted him up by the legs.... thus leaving the drowning victim's head still underwater.  A quick flip and Dad safely pulled Uncle Ted to the dock so they could see if he was okay.

As you can imagine this was a little bit traumatic for small children to witness.  My sister and I were shaken up so my grandmother consoled us and told us that he was alright and we should not let this ruin our day.  I was not so sure about Ted's well-being so I kept nagging at Granny and telling her that I thought he was really hurt.  As I paddled around the dock to get a better look at Uncle Ted, I got a visual confirmation of Uncle Ted's "injury".

Uncle Ted was sitting on the edge of the dock with his feet dangling in the water.   Apparently when he took his drunken log roll into the river, his boy parts escaped  and were now poking out of his bathing suit trunks for all to see.  I pointed and told Granny "I TOLD YOU HE WAS HURT!  LOOK!". 

I took this picture and for some reason I immediately remembered Uncle Ted's injury....  RIP Uncle Ted, RIP.

Seven Degrees to Stephen Foster

1. You wake to a rainy, thunderstorm kinda day. You wonder if they issue rain-checks at The Stephen Foster Story.

2. You ask your spouse if he knows how to get to Bardstown and when he answers "yes"  and asks why you need to know, this is the exchange:
 Me (doing my best Tombstone impersonation): Stephen Foster Story. Old Dog Tray. You know, Old... Dog... Tray! Camptown Races. You know, Stephen Fucking Foster!
Hubby: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck I thought it was in Danville!

 3. You drive to Bardstown to meet your sister and her husband for The Stephen Foster Story. You see black clouds and encounter rain en route. You have a bad feeling about this evening.

 4. You get a phone call when you arrive at Bardstown. Your sister, correction, your majorly pissed off sister informs you that the tickets she ordered yesterday were not in fact the tickets that she ordered. Instead of 4 tickets to see The Stephen Foster Story, we have 4 tickets for Shrek. You and Hubby yell into the bluetooth "Stephen Fucking Foster!"

 5. You meet your sister at the ticket office and get your answer to the rain-check question. So upon the news that we were not seeing the play that night Hubby and I shook our heads and said "Stephen Fucking Foster".

 6. Just so the night was not a total bust we decide to walk around and see My Old Kentucky Home and its surrounding grounds. About 5 minutes into your turn about the grounds, your husband steps into a mole hole, twists his ankle to the point it makes a very loud popping noise, and the group walk ends abruptly.

 7. As my sister and I were speedwalking back to the cars she said "You know if that idiot on the phone had sold me the RIGHT tickets, none of this would have happened." We look each other in the eyes and say "Stephen Fucking Foster."

Monday, July 22, 2013

Quote of the Day

A rainy Monday is the perfect day for a massage.....not that there is ever a bad day for a massage. ~Kimberly Price Blackwell

Friday, July 12, 2013

Heard This Week on the Massage Table

A long-time client has been generous enough to let me try out new music during some of her massage sessions.  During her previous session Yo Yo Ma got a bit carried away and I had to change music mid-way through her massage.  So last week I put on a very soothing cd before she arrived.  My client had been on the massage table for about 20 minutes when she said "I like this woo woo music much better."


Client:  Do you golf?
Me:  Me?  I don't think I would have the patience for golf.
Client:  The reason I asked is that the best golfer I ever knew had really strong hands. 
Me:  So I guess you are saying that I have strong hands and that I would be a golf natural?
Client:  Yes!


Client:  When I saw you the first time I told everyone that you were a miracle worker!  I felt great!  Then my doctor sent me to physical therapy and that SOB hurt me.  I told my doctor I was sticking with you.


Client Text Message:  I'm beyond ready for this massage today. LOL


Client Text Message:  Hey, Any chance you have something this afternoon?
Me:  Sadly I am stuck chauffeuring my sick hubby to and from dr visits.
Client:  I will check back when I know my schedule.  Good luck with rest of your day. :D
Me:  I bet you just chuckled out loud when you typed that.   haha
Client:  Not out loud!


Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Star-crossed Critters

Hubby and I were driving down the road when we noticed a raccoon and opossum lying dead, about 6 feet from each other, on the shoulder of the road.  Hubby said "All that's missing is the skunk for the trifecta."

I, in my best theatrical voice, said  "It was a suicide pact.  Theirs was a tragic tale of love misunderstood.  Accepted neither by coons nor possums, they felt this was their only option." 

No Cell Phones Allowed

Last week I was massaging a client and my dog Brutus was in the treatment room with us.  My client had forgotten to silence her cell phone and mid-way through her massage she received a phone call.  The ring tone was a very loud song that was not very pleasing to the ears.  Brutus raised his head up from napping, ran across the room, stuck his head inside the lady's purse and gently woofed at the phone.  The phone quit ringing at almost the same second that Brutus barked at it... so the mighty Shih-tzu trotted back to his doggy bed and resumed his nap.

Now I don't speak dog, but I am pretty sure Brutus was enforcing my cell phone policy.

Two For One

Last week I had a young girl come for her first ever massage.  She had injured her ankle earlier this year and had just been out of her walking boot for about a week, so her mom asked if I could give her a 30-minute massage to help speed up the healing.  Since it was her first massage I invited her mother and younger sister to sit in the treatment room with us while the massage was underway.

As normal, I turned the lights down low and played one of my relaxing "massage music" cd's.  The little sister was seated in my papasan chair, which is a great nap inducer on it's own--never mind the dim lights and soothing music!  Within 5 minutes I heard snoring from the chair.  I made eye contact with the mom and we both smiled.  Another 5 minutes passed and my massage client began to snore as well.  I looked at their mother and said "Would you like to borrow that cd?  Apparently it is magic.".

I have had clients fall asleep on the massage table before, but the two for one action was a first for me. 

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

That is Not Chocolate Mister

Today, after I told my husband that I wished that there was chocolate in the house, he answered me with "I have a chocolate energy bar that you can have."

I looked him in the eye and with my best professorial face said "That thing defies everything that chocolate stands for.  Chocolate is decadent.  Chocolate is meant to be joyful.  It's a luxury.  The forbidden fruit.  Sweetness that is so good it has to be sinful.  It is meant to be an exquisite indulgence.  That energy bar.... is most definitely not chocolate."


Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Piercing or Something Else?

Last week, I went for my annual mammogram.  Unlike most women, I find mammograms rather uneventful.  But then again I am not modest in the least and have no problems having my "girls" picked up and squished  flat as pancakes.  In fact the only mildly annoying part of the procedure is that I cannot wear deodorant or lotion until after the procedure is completed.  As most hormonal, backside-of-40 women can tell you....hot flashes and a lack of deodorant can be problematic.  This thought was what preoccupied me on that day.

As soon as the test was completed I dashed into the dressing room and sprayed my sweaty pits with deodorant.  I was on a mission to get out of there and in my haste I completely zoned out and forgot to remove the indicators that were placed on my nipples.  Many hours passed and this detail still had not entered my mind until Hubby hugged me.  As he hugged me his eyes got really big and he exclaimed "OH MY GOD!  Did you pierce your nipples for my birthday present?" 

I am not sure which was worse.  Him thinking I would actually get my nips pierced or me walking around oblivious to the fact that I had the guides still attached.

Heard This Week on the Massage Table

Client:  "My dermatologist has me using a special cream and only bathing every other day until this rash clears up.  Lucky for you that today was one of the days I could bathe."


Client:  "I have been wading in a creek about a foot deep and through weeds that were waist-high."
Me:     "Is it too early for ticks?"
Client:  "No, so if you come across any ticks can you let me know?  I bet that's something you don't hear from a lot of your clients, eh?"


Client:  "That was such a delicious hurt."


Me:  "You are not going to like me but I need to put a knee in there."
Client:  "OH SHIIIIIIIT!"

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Psoas You Relax.....

I was delighted when I first came across Liz Koch’s amazing work because it confirmed much of what I’d been intuiting on my own. I had begun to open and close my yoga practise with hip opening poses with the specific intention of releasing tension in my psoas and hip flexors. I’d breathe and imagine tension flowing out of constricted muscles to be released as energy into the torso.

It worked, I’d feel my body soften yet somehow grow stronger.

Reading Liz Koch I instantly realized what I was doing – by learning to relax my psoas I was literally energizing my deepest core by reconnecting with the powerful energy of the earth. According to Koch, the psoas is far more than a core stabilizing muscle; it is an organ of perception composed of bio-intelligent tissue and “literally embodies our deepest urge for survival, and more profoundly, our elemental desire to flourish.”
Well, I just had to learn more. Here is just a sprinkling of the research that Liz Koch and others have uncovered regarding the importance of the psoas to our health, vitality and emotional well-being.
The Psoas muscle (pronounced so-as) is the deepest muscle of the human body affecting our structural balance, muscular integrity, flexibility, strength, range of motion, joint mobility, and organ functioning.

Growing out of both sides of the spine, the psoas spans laterally from the 12th thoracic vertebrae (T12) to each of the 5 lumbar vertebrae. From there it flows down through the abdominal core, the pelvis, to attach to the top of the femur (thigh) bone.

The Psoas is the only ‘muscle’ to connect the spine to the legs.  It is responsible for holding us upright, and allows us to lift our legs in order to walk. A healthily functioning psoas stabilizes the spine and provides support through the trunk, forming a shelf for the vital organs of the abdominal core.
The psoas is connected to the diaphragm through connective tissue or fascia which affects both our breath and fear reflex. This is because the psoas is directly linked to the reptilian brain, the most ancient interior part of the brain stem and spinal cord.  As Koch writes “Long before the spoken word or the organizing capacity of the cortex developed, the reptilian brain, known for its survival instincts, maintained our essential core functioning.”

Koch believes that our fast paced modern lifestyle (which runs on the adrenaline of our sympathetic nervous system) chronically triggers and tightens the psoas – making it literally ready to run or fight. The psoas helps you to spring into action – or curl you up into a protective ball.

If we constantly contract the psoas to due to stress or tension , the muscle eventually begins to shorten leading to a host of painful conditions including low back pain, sacroiliac pain, sciatica, disc problems, spondylolysis, scoliosis, hip degeneration, knee pain, menstruation pain, infertility, and digestive problems.
A tight psoas not only creates structural problems, it constricts the organs, puts pressure on nerves, interferes with the movement of fluids, and impairs diaphragmatic breathing.

In fact, “The psoas is so intimately involved in such basic physical and emotional reactions, that a chronically tightened psoas continually signals your body that you’re in danger, eventually exhausting the adrenal glands and depleting the immune system.”

And according to Koch, this situation is exacerbated by many things in our modern lifestyle, from car seats to constrictive clothing, from chairs to shoes that distort our posture, curtail our natural movements and further constrict our psoas.

Koch believes the first step in cultivating a healthy psoas is to release unnecessary tension.  But “to work with the psoas is not to try to control the muscle, but to cultivate the awareness necessary for sensing its messages.  This involves making a conscious choice to become somatically aware.”
 A relaxed psoas is the mark of play and creative expression.  Instead of the contracted psoas, ready to run or fight, the relaxed and released psoas is ready instead to lengthen and open, to dance. In many yoga poses (like tree)  the thighs can’t fully rotate outward unless the psoas releases. A released psoas allows the front of the thighs to lengthen and the leg to move independently from the pelvis, enhancing and deepening the lift of the entire torso and heart.

Koch believes that by cultivating a healthy psoas, we can rekindle our body’s vital energies by learning to reconnect with the life force of the universe. Within the Taoist tradition the psoas is spoken of as the seat or muscle of the soul, and surrounds the lower “Dan tien” a major energy center of body.  A flexible and strong psoas grounds us and allows subtle energies to flow through the bones, muscles and joints.

Koch writes “The psoas, by conducting energy, grounds us to the earth, just as a grounding wire prevents shocks and eliminates static on a radio. Freed and grounded, the spine can awaken”…“ As gravitational flows transfer weight through bones, tissue, and muscle, into the earth, the earth rebounds, flowing back up the legs and spine, energizing, coordinating and animating posture, movement and expression. It is an uninterrupted conversation between self, earth, and cosmos.”

So, it might be worth it, next time you practice, to tune in and pay attention to what your bio-intelligent psoas has to say.

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Mother's Day Massage Deal

Mother of all massage deals:  2 60-minute massage gift certificates for $100.  Why is this deal so good?  You can give one gift certificate to your special lady AND keep the second one for yourself.  Certificate expires 120 days after purchase. 

PS  For all you last minute shoppers, we can send a text message/gift card to your loved one's cell phone.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Sarcasm Be Mine Name

Do you know what the biggest problem in my life is?  I have a brain and I choose to use it.  Just slightly less problematic than having a brain is that I have a mouth and I choose to use it.  Now, when you combine Problem 1 and Problem 2 you get my persona,  Sarcastabitch.  Sarcastabitch of House Quick Witted and Sharp Tongued, whose motto is "Sarcasm is such great fun in the company of dullards".

Like other super-heroines, Sarcastabitch has unique super powers too.  She can deliver sarcasm faster than a speeding bullet.....although sometimes her sarcasm hits dullards and the whole brain exploding thing works just like they were hit with a speeding bullet.  Sarcastabitch also has the ability to read minds.  Well, maybe not down to their grocery list, but certainly she can tell whether the gerbil fell asleep at the wheel or if he got his paws on some caffeine and is running for the Rodent Gold Medal.  Lastly, she sometimes gets glimpses of the immediate future, which can really give her the upper-hand in a battle of wits.

Just like her sisters in arms, Sarcastabitch has weaknesses as well.  She tires easily when she is in a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.  One would think a short battle would be better, no?  All too often it is game, set, and match in a single zinger....then poor ole Sarcastabitch is left with an inordinately large supply of sarcasm and no place to dump it.    Sarcastabitch also has a very low tolerance for ignorance.  When she is surrounded by stupidity, her Resist Disease Stats (My name is Kim and I was an Everquest junky) are lowered and her mouth can sometimes speak what her brain knows is true but should not be spoken aloud.

This week Kim was having a wee bit of stress and decided to make light of her situation by posting a sarcastic status update on Facebook.  Unfortunately this comment was read but not understood by her least dreaded foe, Drama Whore.  (Drama Whore had been disguised as one of Kim's Facebook friends so they were able to keep an eye on her activities)   Drama Whore, the evil villain that hails from House Shit Stirring and Cowardice, whose motto is "C U Next Tuesday", failed to comprehend sarcasm and humor--despite the fact that thirteen other people liked Kim's post and some others offered a few of their own witty comments about Kim's status update.  Nope, Drama Whore only saw Kim" making physical threats toward people."

Anonymous is Drama Whore's evil side-kick.  Ever notice how many nasty or evil internet posts are signed "Anonymous"?  That asshole is everywhere!   Drama Whore and Anonymous love the internet because it allows them to slander and tell lies without ever having to face the good people they are trying to destroy.  But on this particular day they decided to cause problems for Kim.  Not knowing this was Sarcastabitch's alter ego, Anonymous and Drama Whore launched an attack on Kim.  Drama Whore sent Kim a private message laced with statements that might be attributed to someone with a Napoleonic Complex aka Little Man Syndrome.  And grammatically speaking....it read like Rainman... on crack.

So just to be polite (one of the best ways to thwart bullies, by the way), Sarcastabitch responded to Drama Whore's message (although Kim had to find a different email account since Drama Whore blocked Kim from replying to the message via Facebook....but I digress) and tried to explain what this weapon of mass destruction aka sarcasm really is.  Then without breaking a nail, Sarcastabitch did a wee bit of friendscaping and sent Drama Whore and Anonymous back to their lonely land of Shit Stirring and Cowardice.

For those of you who were reading closely....Yes, earlier I did say Drama Whore is Sarcastabitch's  "least dreaded foe".  Why?  Because Drama Whore only has power when surrounded by other miserable beings that, unlike Sarcastabitch, choose to use their mouths.... without choosing to use their brains.


Disclaimer:  This story is a work of sarcasm and should not be associated with any real super heroes, either living or dead.  No animals were harmed while writing this piece.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Wal-mart Observations

You know I like to bitch about Wal-mart, but the reality is that this place is a virtual goldmine of writing material.  Each visit is always memorable in some way.  Like....

Fashion.  Who could ever get tired of seeing people shopping in their pajamas?  Sure, I might walk outside in my pjs when the dog needs to do his business, but NEVER would I dream of walking around in public without a bra, let alone sporting wrinkled flannel pants and house slippers.  Or what about the very large women wearing tanktops that are about 5 sizes too small and stretch pants that defy all laws of physics?  Sometimes I catch myself staring and silently hoping to see a seam rip out.  I envision the fleshy parts flopping out into multiple fat layers of white and purple blotches.  Or the greasy-haired, jailhouse tattooed family?  The family that inks together, stays together.  Doubt me?  For a good chuckle, check out the website www.peopleofwalmart.com

Motorized carts.  It never ceases to chap my ass when I see grossly obese people riding around the store with a basket full of Little Debbie snacks.  How about walking around the store and burning off some of those empty calories huh?  A great many of these folks will tell you that they suffer from plantar fasciitis.  What I would like to say is "No, your feet hurt because of all that weight.  What you have is plant-my-fatty-asses.  Lose the donuts and pick up some fresh veggies.  Sure, it might shock your body to actually eat food that is good for you, but it beats the slow death you and your Twinkies are headed for."

Screaming kids.  Has it become acceptable for "parents" to let their children run up and down the aisles unattended?  "Hey lady!  Not everybody thinks your little snot-nosed, dirty-faced kids are cute.  In fact, when they act like this I want to spank your ass for not doing your J O B.  And please shut that screaming baby up!  Or is he like the siren for your shopping cart?"

Announcements.  Does anyone else hear Charlie Brown's school teacher when a Walmartian makes an announcement over the PA system?  "Bwabwabwa bwa automotives bwabwa."

Yesterday I was at the Richmond Road location when a Snoop Dog look alike walked in.  His pants were belted around his knees and his dreadlocks reached his waist--you know where his pants should have been.   He nodded at his friend manning the register and said "Ite, Daw."  The heavy white gal behind me in the checkout line, wearing a boob tube and stretch pants, said "Can you believe how stupid he looks?"  Yep, it's moments like this that make your whole visit worthwhile.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Heard This Week on the Massage Table

Client:  "I have big expectations from you today, I'm a big ball of knots and stress."



Client:  "Do you prefer fixing or relaxing people?"
Me:  "I am definitely more of a fixer."
Client:  "Well I am glad I didn't disappoint you then."



Me:  "How is your hip pain today?"
Client:  "I have seen you twice now and I am cured!  You are a miracle worker!"



Me:  "Have you ever seen Terms of Endearment?  The scene where Shirley Maclaine has the melt down over the nurse not getting her daughter's meds on time?  Yeah, that pretty much sums up how I reacted to the crappy nursing staff at Central Baptist ER."




Client:  "I did Zumba, Butts and Guts and hand weights last night.  I think I over-did it."
Me:  "Well, aren't you just going to be tons of fun to work on today."



Me:  "You are pretty tight in your back today."
Client:  "See what happens when I can't get in to see you?  I fall apart when I go longer than two weeks without seeing you."



Me:  "Were you pulling for the Cardinals to win the NCAA Tournament?"
Client:  "No.  The only way I can be kind of okay about it is by telling myself that at least it wasn't Duke."


Rest & Recovery After Exercise Improves Performance!


By Elizabeth Quinn

Most athletes know that getting enough rest after exercise is essential to high-level performance, but many still over train and feel guilty when they take a day off. The body repairs and strengthens itself in the time between workouts, and continuous training can actually weaken the strongest athletes.

Rest days are critical to sports performance for a variety of reasons. Some are physiological and some are psychological. Rest is physically necessary so that the muscles can repair, rebuild and strengthen. For recreational athletes, building in rest days can help maintain a better balance between home, work and fitness goals.

In the worst-case scenario, too few rest and recovery days can lead to over-training syndrome - a difficult condition to recover from.

What Happens During Recovery?
Building recovery time into any training program is important because this is the time that the body adapts to the stress of exercise and the real training effect takes place. Recovery also allows the body to replenish energy stores and repair damaged tissues. Exercise or any other physical work causes changes in the body such as muscle tissue breakdown and the depletion of energy stores (muscle glycogen) as well as fluid loss.
Recovery time allows these stores to be replenished and allows tissue repair to occur. Without sufficient time to repair and replenish, the body will continue to breakdown from intensive exercise. Symptoms of over-training often occur from a lack of recovery time. Signs of over-training include a feeling of general malaise, staleness, depression, decreased sports performance and increased risk of injury, among others.

Short and Long-Term Recovery: Keep in mind that there are two categories of recovery. There is immediate (short-term) recovery from a particularly intense training session or event, and there is the long-term recovery that needs to be build into a year-round training schedule. Both are important for optimal sports performance.

Short-term recovery, sometimes called active recovery occurs in the hours immediately after intense exercise. Active recovery refers to engaging in low-intensity exercise after workouts during both the cool-down phase immediately after a hard effort or workout as well as during the days following the workout. Both types of active recovery are linked to performance benefits.
Another major focus of recovery immediately following exercise has to do with replenishing energy stores and fluids lost during exercise and optimizing protein synthesis (the process of increasing the protein content of muscle cells, preventing muscle breakdown and increasing muscle size) by eating the right foods in the post-exercise meal.

This is also the time for soft tissue (muscles, tendons, ligaments) repair and the removal of chemicals that build up as a result of cell activity during exercise.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Heard This Week on the Massage Table

Text:  "My neck is killing.  Be ready tomorrow haha"


Text:  "You bored?  Just thought I'd ask.  :) "


Text:  "I'm trying to teach (Hubby) how to give a foot massage.....lmao"
Me:  "If he succeeds he will be seeing me for hand massage."


I received a text message Saturday night from a client who needed to cancel her appointment this week as she had lucked up and got tickets to the Louisville/Michigan game.  When she asked me if I would be upset if she rescheduled,  I texted back:  "Sister, I wouldn't blink before I said yes and canceled your massage if I could get tickets lol"


Text:  "Goodness Kim- thank you so very much"



Text:  "Hello, I am looking to start getting massage on a regular basis and my friends told me I need not look any further.  So how can I get an appointment?"



Client:  "Damn that hurts......WHAT IS THAT?"



Client after reflecting on my husband's broken foot, his totaling our second vehicle and his recent hospital visit for kidney stones:  "If you had known how much that man was going to cost you, you should have gotten rid of him a long time ago."

Monday, April 8, 2013

Cancer patients feel less distress after massage therapy

The stress-relieving benefits of massage have been well documented, but a recent study shows that massage may have more profound benefits that just relieving stress and relaxing tight muscles.
The study, published in the journal BMJ, looked at the benefits of massage for brain cancer patients. To be expected, these patients often suffer from neurological problems, which affect their physical functioning, their cognitive abilities and their psychological well-being.

They also have to deal with the progressive nature of their illness and difficult treatments like radiation, surgery and chemotherapy. Brain cancer patients typically report a high prevalence of depression and other mental disorders.

In this study, 25 brain tumor patients who were classified as “distressed” received a massage twice a week for four weeks. At the end of week four, the distress scores for all participants were below the threshold for experiencing distress. In other words, the factors leading to their diagnosis faded away.
“This is more significant than I would have expected,” said Dr. Keri Peterson, a spokesperson for the American Massage Therapy Association.

What’s more, the issues these patients reported as “concerns” for them prior to the massage were no longer worrisome by the end of the four weeks. At the baseline assessment before the massages began, at least 75 percent  of participants reported the following items of concern: sadness, worry, fatigue, nervousness, pain, sleep and getting around. At least 50 percent reported concerns with insurance, fears, depression, dry or itchy skin, work, transportation, eating, constipation, tingling in hands and feet, and nausea.

At the end of week four, only 50 percent of patients reported concerns with fatigue. All the other sources of concern were felt by 40 percent or fewer of the participants. For example, while 100 percent of participants reported sadness at the onset of the study, only 40 percent reported sadness after four weeks of massage. The reduction in worries led to improved emotional, social and physical well-being.
However, when the massages were discontinued, the improvements began to fade, although they still scored better than before the study started.

Cancer patients have nearly twice the risk of developing psychiatric distress compared to the general population, and the benefits of massage may extend to those with other types of cancer as well.
Peterson said it’s important to go to a licensed massage therapist. You can find one through AMTA's website. Be sure to tell the therapist what your goals are, Peterson added.

A massage to relieve back pain is different than one that will reduce stress and improve one's well-being.
Laurie Tarkan is an award-winning health journalist whose work appears in the New York Times, among other national magazines and websites. She has authored several health books, including "Perfect Hormone Balance for Fertility."

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Why Doing Groupons & Other Deal Sites is Like a Crack Addiction for Massage Therapists

  THIS is exactly what I have been preaching about discounted massage services for years now.  Thanks for posting this~

 


Run a deal. Big check arrives. Oooh, lots of customers! Money dwindles. Rent falls short. Desperation sets in. Must run another deal! Big check arrives. Oooh, lots of customers! Money dwindles. Bills do not get paid. Desperate move. Must run another deal!

This just in. A new form of addiction has been spotted. “Dealaddiction”. Has your business been hurt or affected by Dealaddiction?

Dealaddiction is a serious form of addiction characterized by heavy doses of discounted services, high advertising costs and very little return on investment, while being stimulated with the “highs” of bulk payouts. The effects of Dealaddiction are starting to reveal themselves in the form of desperation among massage therapists that use them, who keep getting sucked back in to run a deal. Similar to a crack addiction, Dealaddiction has demonstrated limited lifespan of a business and an unsustainable business model. Side effects include poor cash flow, decreased amounts of revenue and high advertising costs. Life span is significantly reduced.
It’s very easy to want to take the shortcut and be tempted with the high volume of sales of vouchers. It’s even more tempting to run another deal when you’re seeing funds in your bank account in the thousands or tens of thousands of dollars. Don’t be fooled. This addiction has only one path – business destruction.
The only treatment for Dealaddiction is of the cold turkey variety. When you stop conditioning customers to wait for a deal in order to come in to see you for a massage, they will have to start paying your regular price. Some of you may have the mindset that they’ll just go find another massage therapist with a deal. That may be true to an extent… but what if EVERYONE in this industry stopped offering them as a collective group?
This post needs to go viral. As an industry, we can stop working with deal sites altogether and go back to basics. Share with your massage therapist network!
Running constant deals with companies like Groupon, DealChicken, LivingSocial, et al may in fact bring in customers and big payouts. However, it’s not a sustainable business model to continuously offer deals time and time again in order to keep massaging people and living off of the tips. The likelihood and rate of return for deal site customers has already piqued and is dwindling. Massage therapists are just not seeing the return business that we first saw when the deal site companies started launching.
It’s simply not sustainable. It’s like having a crack addiction. Eventually, when you inhale enough vouchers and deals, your business will overdose and die. It’s as simple as that. The only way to stop your business from dying is to go back to the basics – yes, where you actually had to craft carefully-worded advertising pieces, pound the pavement and use the postal service. No more instantaneous “fixes” from the deal sites. Remember – without massage therapists making deals, the deal sites do not make any money. Have any idea how much of the market the massage & spa industry represents on their bottom line? HUGE. We actually, collectively, have the power to tank their entire enterprise!
This is not an easy process. It requires work and effort, and a strong resistance to the addiction. It may also require you to make an investment into your advertising, as well as perhaps not taking as much out of the business as you might have been for personal draws. Need a sponsor or group therapy? You’re in the right place. The Facebook page at ThrivingMassageBiz.com has been a great resource for massage therapists to get ideas to grow their business, and can help even the most deal-indebted massage business owner recover.
Ready to go back to basics? Check out “My Brothers & Sisters in Arms: Developing the Clients You Want“. There are a lot of how-to’s and do’s and don’ts on targeting and attracting the ideal clients for your business… particularly clients that will pay your full rate. <They do exist!>
This business owner? Officially Groupon-free and proud!

The End.

PS – If you’ve ran a deal before with a deal site, can you relate to this post in wanting to constantly get more and more big checks and more and more clients? Share your experiences about success/failures with your deal site runs. We’re a nonjudgmental group here, so you’re in a safe zone. <phew!>

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Heard This Week on the Massage Table

Client:  "Well, do you have any energy left for me?"
Me:  "You are in luck.  You are my FIRST client today so I have LOTS of energy for YOU."
Client:  "I think I'm scared now."


Client:  "Can you do some of that neck stuff?  I told my buddy that it felt like my head was going to pop off but it was sooooo gooooood."


Me:  "I love Downton Abbey.  Grandmama Violet is my favorite because she is so funny and blunt."
Client:  "I like her too but don't you think Lady Mary is a BITCH?"


Client:  "You know when I booked this appointment I didn't know what to expect so I only did a 60 minute massage, because I have had massages in the past that I was actually wishing for the massage to be over already.  Now that I am here and liking this.....I am wishing my time wouldn't end!"





Monday, January 28, 2013

Heard This Week on the Massage Table

New male client and I were going over his intake form when I noticed he had answered the "Are you pregnant?" question.  I said "Not pregnant.....that's good to know."  He answered "Well you asked!".



Client Text:  I don't want to cheat on you but I need my shoulder fixed before my class tonight.  Do you have a go-to person?



Me:  "Yeah, I had Corwyn work on my hips the other night and I thought I was going to die.  I was smacking the massage table like a wrestler smacks the mat while yelling UNCLE.  If my neighbors had heard me yelling they would have probably thought he was murdering me."



Me:  "I used a gift certificate to Massage Envy last week."
Client:  "How was it?"
Me:   "Trust me there was nothing to envy."



Client Text:  I bet you want to massage me.  You were thinking the same thing right?
My Text:  I was!  Unfortunately all these other pesky clients have me booked up until next weekend.
Client Text:  The nerve!

Kitty Up





I never could wrap myself around Hello Kitty, but this kitty is just my style.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Soup's On

Today was just not my day.  I had already decided that it was going to be a sweats, bum on the couch, and relaxation kind of day.  So after my shower I donned my sweats, made my way to the sofa, and started watching television.  All was right with the world until my lunch arrived.

I was sitting Indian-style (sorry for not being PC) on the sofa when Hubby brought me a bowl of soup and some crackers.  I was holding my soup bowl in one hand and as I reached for the crackers with my free hand, I lost my grip and everything went sailing up,  then it crashed down and splattered all over my lap.  When I started screaming obsenities my husband assumed I was upset that our new couch was going to be stained.  This was not the case.  The super hot soup had hit my bare feet and  it was burning something fierce.  But this was not the only thing that got burned.....

I jumped up and started ripping my sweatpants off, dancing around the living room, and screeching because the soup had splashed in my lap and scalded my hoo-ha.  Hubby was watching me with a mixture of horror and amusement when he realized exactly what I was screaming about.  While I ran screaming into the bathroom to examine my injuries, he was kind enough to clean the couch.

When I returned from the bathroom.....wearing my second set of sweats....limping across the room, Hubby suggested an ice pack for my burns.  Imagine my surprise when he handed me a bag of frozen broccoli and told me to sit on it.  But ya know what?  I sat down, took that bag of green pieces and plopped it on all my red parts and sighed in relief.

The lesson of this story--besides the obvious one of eating at the table?  Broccoli, it's not just for dinner.

Massage Etiquette

Most massage therapists will greet a new client and do their best to make them feel welcome.  We will introduce ourselves, review the intake form, and ask questions that help us formulate a treatment plan.  Then we do our level best to give a great massage that will leave the client wanting more.  But what can the client and therapist collectively do to make the massage more harmonious?   I have made a list of things that I feel are both common courtesy and proper massage etiquette.

1.  Cleanliness.  Of course that is a dual standard.  Both client and therapist should be free of body funk.  Take a shower.  Use deodorant.  Brush your teeth.  Wear shirts that cover your armpits--nobody wants a therapist to lean over them and have their sweaty, smelly pits flood their noses with body odor.

2.  Diet.  If you are going to be receiving a massage, it is better on an empty stomach.  Why?  Too much water and coffee can necessitate a bathroom break in the middle of your massage.  Heavy meals can make the stomach gurgle loudly and while this does not bother a massage therapist, it might be a source of embarrassment for the client.  If you eat lots of garlic and onions you can expect these scents to ooze out of your pores during the massage.  LMT's are not vampires so please feel free to leave your garlic at home.

3.  Punctuality.  If  you schedule an appointment at 1:00 pm, show up at this time or a few minutes before.  Therapists should arrive at the clinic a minimum of 15 minutes prior to their first appointment so they can turn on the table warmer, adjust the table, turn on music, etc.   We value your time, please value ours.

4.  Noise.  Chances are more than one massage is going on in a busy clinic so please use your "massage voice" when you enter the clinic.  Clients walking in and yelling "HOLY SHIT I AM GLAD TO BE HERE!" is entertaining to your therapist, but not so much to other clients who are still on the massage table.  Turn your cell phone off or conduct your calls outside so other clients are not bothered by your ringtones or conversations.  How would you feel if the therapist answered a call or text while they were working on you?  Therapists should leave their phones outside the treatment room so they can focus on the client and not disturb the bliss zone.

5. Conversation.  Feel free to chat your massage therapist up if you like.  Therapists should communicate about pressure, pain and movements unless the client indicates they enjoy talking during their massage.  Don't be afraid to mix it up--some massages you might feel chatty and others you might prefer silence, so make your desires known.

6.  Tips.  While we do not expect tips, they are always welcome.  Some people view the massage session as health maintenance and they would never consider tipping their physician so they assume the same position with their massage therapist.  This is okay!  Some view LMT's like their hairstylists and tip us accordingly.  This is okay too!  In other words, don't sweat the little stuff.

7.  Input.  If your massage was everything that you hoped it would be, please feel free to let your therapist know your thoughts.  We welcome your input as to what you thought worked well and what you felt was not effective.  If something hurts please speak up so that we can adjust and give you the massage you imagined.  If the spot we are working feels particularly good, tell us so we can spend a little more time in that area.
Communication is key and that works for both therapist and client.

8.  Scheduling Appointments.  When you schedule your appointment please be mindful that this time is reserved just for you.  Massage therapists are only paid when they are working, so please do not call at the last minute to cancel your appointment UNLESS you have an emergency that requires your attention.  More often than not a last minute cancellation cannot be filled so the therapist loses income.  What is worse than a last minute cancellation?  A person that no-shows.   Not calling and not showing up for your scheduled appointment is a really big no-no.

This is not a complete list, but it hits most of the high points.  If you have other items to add to this list, please leave your comments.  Thanks in advance for your consideration.















Friday, January 11, 2013

Heard This Week on the Massage Table

Client:    "I was trying to massage my own feet this weekend so now I understand why you say it is hard on your hands when you have to give deep pressure on the feet."



Client:  "Oh well I guess that's just another FLE."
Me:  "A what?"
Client:  "Fucking Life Experience."
Me:  "I will be borrowing that one!"



Client:  "I can tell that I am a mess."
Me:  "You're not lying sister."



Hairdresser friend:  "Your profession and mine are a lot alike.  We get Cinderella ready for the ball but we don't ever get to actually go to the ball."



Client:  "When I get home after my massages, my husband always asks me if I am relaxed and I usually answer 'yes and no'.  But after you worked on him he walked thru the front door and said "Well now I understand why you say yes and no.  That hurt!  But I feel tons better."

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

High Heels Are BAD

"According to the American Orthopaedic Foot and Ankle Society, people take an average of 10,000 steps a day. High heels shift the force of each of those steps so that the most pressure ends up on the ball of the foot and on the bones at the base of the toes. (If you wear flats, the entire foot would absorb this impact.) A 3-inch heel -- most experts consider a heel "high" at 2 inches or more -- creates three to six times more stress on the front of the foot than a shoe with a modest one-inch heel.

As a result, heels can lead to bunions, heel pain, toe deformities, shortened Achilles tendons, and trapped nerves. In fact, women account for about 90% of the nearly 800,000 operations each year for bunions, hammertoes (a permanent deformity of the toe joint in which the toe bends up slightly and then curls downward, resting on its tip), and trapped nerves, and most of these surgeries can be linked back to their high-heeled shoe choice.

The problems can travel upward, too. The ankle, knee, and hip joints can all suffer from your footwear preferences. When you walk in flats, the muscles of the leg and thigh have an opportunity to contract as well as to stretch out. However, when wearing your high-heeled shoes, the foot is held in a downward position as you walk. This keeps the knee, hip, and low back in a somewhat flexed position, which prevents the muscles that cross the backside of these joints to stretch out as they normally would. Over time, this can lead to stiffness, pain, and injury. High heels can also cause lower back strain, because the heel causes your body to pitch forward more than normal, putting excess pressure on the back."

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Heard This Week on the Massage Table

Client:  I used to see a Russian lady in Nashville and she was small like you, but she had a strong grip....I think you have her beat.


Client:  That could not have been an hour! 
Me:  It's the fastest hour of your life, huh?
Client:  I think you had one hand on my back and the other hand was changing the clock.


Text Message:  Hey when is your next opening?  I am getting my new boobs next week!


Client:  Christ what is that?
Me:  Been shoveling snow today?
Client:  Yes I have.
Me:  There's your answer.


Client:  If you were a man I would ask you to marry me.


Me:  Yeah, I apologized for my full-blown bitch mode today.
Client:  Just today?