Thursday, April 25, 2013

Sarcasm Be Mine Name

Do you know what the biggest problem in my life is?  I have a brain and I choose to use it.  Just slightly less problematic than having a brain is that I have a mouth and I choose to use it.  Now, when you combine Problem 1 and Problem 2 you get my persona,  Sarcastabitch.  Sarcastabitch of House Quick Witted and Sharp Tongued, whose motto is "Sarcasm is such great fun in the company of dullards".

Like other super-heroines, Sarcastabitch has unique super powers too.  She can deliver sarcasm faster than a speeding bullet.....although sometimes her sarcasm hits dullards and the whole brain exploding thing works just like they were hit with a speeding bullet.  Sarcastabitch also has the ability to read minds.  Well, maybe not down to their grocery list, but certainly she can tell whether the gerbil fell asleep at the wheel or if he got his paws on some caffeine and is running for the Rodent Gold Medal.  Lastly, she sometimes gets glimpses of the immediate future, which can really give her the upper-hand in a battle of wits.

Just like her sisters in arms, Sarcastabitch has weaknesses as well.  She tires easily when she is in a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.  One would think a short battle would be better, no?  All too often it is game, set, and match in a single zinger....then poor ole Sarcastabitch is left with an inordinately large supply of sarcasm and no place to dump it.    Sarcastabitch also has a very low tolerance for ignorance.  When she is surrounded by stupidity, her Resist Disease Stats (My name is Kim and I was an Everquest junky) are lowered and her mouth can sometimes speak what her brain knows is true but should not be spoken aloud.

This week Kim was having a wee bit of stress and decided to make light of her situation by posting a sarcastic status update on Facebook.  Unfortunately this comment was read but not understood by her least dreaded foe, Drama Whore.  (Drama Whore had been disguised as one of Kim's Facebook friends so they were able to keep an eye on her activities)   Drama Whore, the evil villain that hails from House Shit Stirring and Cowardice, whose motto is "C U Next Tuesday", failed to comprehend sarcasm and humor--despite the fact that thirteen other people liked Kim's post and some others offered a few of their own witty comments about Kim's status update.  Nope, Drama Whore only saw Kim" making physical threats toward people."

Anonymous is Drama Whore's evil side-kick.  Ever notice how many nasty or evil internet posts are signed "Anonymous"?  That asshole is everywhere!   Drama Whore and Anonymous love the internet because it allows them to slander and tell lies without ever having to face the good people they are trying to destroy.  But on this particular day they decided to cause problems for Kim.  Not knowing this was Sarcastabitch's alter ego, Anonymous and Drama Whore launched an attack on Kim.  Drama Whore sent Kim a private message laced with statements that might be attributed to someone with a Napoleonic Complex aka Little Man Syndrome.  And grammatically speaking....it read like Rainman... on crack.

So just to be polite (one of the best ways to thwart bullies, by the way), Sarcastabitch responded to Drama Whore's message (although Kim had to find a different email account since Drama Whore blocked Kim from replying to the message via Facebook....but I digress) and tried to explain what this weapon of mass destruction aka sarcasm really is.  Then without breaking a nail, Sarcastabitch did a wee bit of friendscaping and sent Drama Whore and Anonymous back to their lonely land of Shit Stirring and Cowardice.

For those of you who were reading closely....Yes, earlier I did say Drama Whore is Sarcastabitch's  "least dreaded foe".  Why?  Because Drama Whore only has power when surrounded by other miserable beings that, unlike Sarcastabitch, choose to use their mouths.... without choosing to use their brains.


Disclaimer:  This story is a work of sarcasm and should not be associated with any real super heroes, either living or dead.  No animals were harmed while writing this piece.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Wal-mart Observations

You know I like to bitch about Wal-mart, but the reality is that this place is a virtual goldmine of writing material.  Each visit is always memorable in some way.  Like....

Fashion.  Who could ever get tired of seeing people shopping in their pajamas?  Sure, I might walk outside in my pjs when the dog needs to do his business, but NEVER would I dream of walking around in public without a bra, let alone sporting wrinkled flannel pants and house slippers.  Or what about the very large women wearing tanktops that are about 5 sizes too small and stretch pants that defy all laws of physics?  Sometimes I catch myself staring and silently hoping to see a seam rip out.  I envision the fleshy parts flopping out into multiple fat layers of white and purple blotches.  Or the greasy-haired, jailhouse tattooed family?  The family that inks together, stays together.  Doubt me?  For a good chuckle, check out the website www.peopleofwalmart.com

Motorized carts.  It never ceases to chap my ass when I see grossly obese people riding around the store with a basket full of Little Debbie snacks.  How about walking around the store and burning off some of those empty calories huh?  A great many of these folks will tell you that they suffer from plantar fasciitis.  What I would like to say is "No, your feet hurt because of all that weight.  What you have is plant-my-fatty-asses.  Lose the donuts and pick up some fresh veggies.  Sure, it might shock your body to actually eat food that is good for you, but it beats the slow death you and your Twinkies are headed for."

Screaming kids.  Has it become acceptable for "parents" to let their children run up and down the aisles unattended?  "Hey lady!  Not everybody thinks your little snot-nosed, dirty-faced kids are cute.  In fact, when they act like this I want to spank your ass for not doing your J O B.  And please shut that screaming baby up!  Or is he like the siren for your shopping cart?"

Announcements.  Does anyone else hear Charlie Brown's school teacher when a Walmartian makes an announcement over the PA system?  "Bwabwabwa bwa automotives bwabwa."

Yesterday I was at the Richmond Road location when a Snoop Dog look alike walked in.  His pants were belted around his knees and his dreadlocks reached his waist--you know where his pants should have been.   He nodded at his friend manning the register and said "Ite, Daw."  The heavy white gal behind me in the checkout line, wearing a boob tube and stretch pants, said "Can you believe how stupid he looks?"  Yep, it's moments like this that make your whole visit worthwhile.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Heard This Week on the Massage Table

Client:  "I have big expectations from you today, I'm a big ball of knots and stress."



Client:  "Do you prefer fixing or relaxing people?"
Me:  "I am definitely more of a fixer."
Client:  "Well I am glad I didn't disappoint you then."



Me:  "How is your hip pain today?"
Client:  "I have seen you twice now and I am cured!  You are a miracle worker!"



Me:  "Have you ever seen Terms of Endearment?  The scene where Shirley Maclaine has the melt down over the nurse not getting her daughter's meds on time?  Yeah, that pretty much sums up how I reacted to the crappy nursing staff at Central Baptist ER."




Client:  "I did Zumba, Butts and Guts and hand weights last night.  I think I over-did it."
Me:  "Well, aren't you just going to be tons of fun to work on today."



Me:  "You are pretty tight in your back today."
Client:  "See what happens when I can't get in to see you?  I fall apart when I go longer than two weeks without seeing you."



Me:  "Were you pulling for the Cardinals to win the NCAA Tournament?"
Client:  "No.  The only way I can be kind of okay about it is by telling myself that at least it wasn't Duke."


Rest & Recovery After Exercise Improves Performance!


By Elizabeth Quinn

Most athletes know that getting enough rest after exercise is essential to high-level performance, but many still over train and feel guilty when they take a day off. The body repairs and strengthens itself in the time between workouts, and continuous training can actually weaken the strongest athletes.

Rest days are critical to sports performance for a variety of reasons. Some are physiological and some are psychological. Rest is physically necessary so that the muscles can repair, rebuild and strengthen. For recreational athletes, building in rest days can help maintain a better balance between home, work and fitness goals.

In the worst-case scenario, too few rest and recovery days can lead to over-training syndrome - a difficult condition to recover from.

What Happens During Recovery?
Building recovery time into any training program is important because this is the time that the body adapts to the stress of exercise and the real training effect takes place. Recovery also allows the body to replenish energy stores and repair damaged tissues. Exercise or any other physical work causes changes in the body such as muscle tissue breakdown and the depletion of energy stores (muscle glycogen) as well as fluid loss.
Recovery time allows these stores to be replenished and allows tissue repair to occur. Without sufficient time to repair and replenish, the body will continue to breakdown from intensive exercise. Symptoms of over-training often occur from a lack of recovery time. Signs of over-training include a feeling of general malaise, staleness, depression, decreased sports performance and increased risk of injury, among others.

Short and Long-Term Recovery: Keep in mind that there are two categories of recovery. There is immediate (short-term) recovery from a particularly intense training session or event, and there is the long-term recovery that needs to be build into a year-round training schedule. Both are important for optimal sports performance.

Short-term recovery, sometimes called active recovery occurs in the hours immediately after intense exercise. Active recovery refers to engaging in low-intensity exercise after workouts during both the cool-down phase immediately after a hard effort or workout as well as during the days following the workout. Both types of active recovery are linked to performance benefits.
Another major focus of recovery immediately following exercise has to do with replenishing energy stores and fluids lost during exercise and optimizing protein synthesis (the process of increasing the protein content of muscle cells, preventing muscle breakdown and increasing muscle size) by eating the right foods in the post-exercise meal.

This is also the time for soft tissue (muscles, tendons, ligaments) repair and the removal of chemicals that build up as a result of cell activity during exercise.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Heard This Week on the Massage Table

Text:  "My neck is killing.  Be ready tomorrow haha"


Text:  "You bored?  Just thought I'd ask.  :) "


Text:  "I'm trying to teach (Hubby) how to give a foot massage.....lmao"
Me:  "If he succeeds he will be seeing me for hand massage."


I received a text message Saturday night from a client who needed to cancel her appointment this week as she had lucked up and got tickets to the Louisville/Michigan game.  When she asked me if I would be upset if she rescheduled,  I texted back:  "Sister, I wouldn't blink before I said yes and canceled your massage if I could get tickets lol"


Text:  "Goodness Kim- thank you so very much"



Text:  "Hello, I am looking to start getting massage on a regular basis and my friends told me I need not look any further.  So how can I get an appointment?"



Client:  "Damn that hurts......WHAT IS THAT?"



Client after reflecting on my husband's broken foot, his totaling our second vehicle and his recent hospital visit for kidney stones:  "If you had known how much that man was going to cost you, you should have gotten rid of him a long time ago."

Monday, April 8, 2013

Cancer patients feel less distress after massage therapy

The stress-relieving benefits of massage have been well documented, but a recent study shows that massage may have more profound benefits that just relieving stress and relaxing tight muscles.
The study, published in the journal BMJ, looked at the benefits of massage for brain cancer patients. To be expected, these patients often suffer from neurological problems, which affect their physical functioning, their cognitive abilities and their psychological well-being.

They also have to deal with the progressive nature of their illness and difficult treatments like radiation, surgery and chemotherapy. Brain cancer patients typically report a high prevalence of depression and other mental disorders.

In this study, 25 brain tumor patients who were classified as “distressed” received a massage twice a week for four weeks. At the end of week four, the distress scores for all participants were below the threshold for experiencing distress. In other words, the factors leading to their diagnosis faded away.
“This is more significant than I would have expected,” said Dr. Keri Peterson, a spokesperson for the American Massage Therapy Association.

What’s more, the issues these patients reported as “concerns” for them prior to the massage were no longer worrisome by the end of the four weeks. At the baseline assessment before the massages began, at least 75 percent  of participants reported the following items of concern: sadness, worry, fatigue, nervousness, pain, sleep and getting around. At least 50 percent reported concerns with insurance, fears, depression, dry or itchy skin, work, transportation, eating, constipation, tingling in hands and feet, and nausea.

At the end of week four, only 50 percent of patients reported concerns with fatigue. All the other sources of concern were felt by 40 percent or fewer of the participants. For example, while 100 percent of participants reported sadness at the onset of the study, only 40 percent reported sadness after four weeks of massage. The reduction in worries led to improved emotional, social and physical well-being.
However, when the massages were discontinued, the improvements began to fade, although they still scored better than before the study started.

Cancer patients have nearly twice the risk of developing psychiatric distress compared to the general population, and the benefits of massage may extend to those with other types of cancer as well.
Peterson said it’s important to go to a licensed massage therapist. You can find one through AMTA's website. Be sure to tell the therapist what your goals are, Peterson added.

A massage to relieve back pain is different than one that will reduce stress and improve one's well-being.
Laurie Tarkan is an award-winning health journalist whose work appears in the New York Times, among other national magazines and websites. She has authored several health books, including "Perfect Hormone Balance for Fertility."