Yesterday I had probably the most uncomfortable, humiliating and irritating medical test EVER. I had a stress test for my bladder. I can laugh about this today but yesterday....not so much. For those of you that have not suffered this horror, please allow me to enlighten you.
*****Disclaimer***** If you are easily offended please stop reading now!
The procedure begins with a pelvic exam. Most of us gals have gotten used to these babies. The awkward position of lying on your back with your legs in stirrups. The sheet draped over your abdomen so you can feel less exposed. I truly do not understand this draping ritual as the only thing covered is your tummy--your hooha is airing out nicely--what with your legs spread eagle and your bottom almost completely hanging off the exam table.
After the pelvic exam, the really fun stuff begins. Not one, but TWO nurses/technicians performed the remaining parts of the test. Of course I had to discuss my bladder woes in great lengths with my medical team before the physical portion of the stress test began. After my full disclosure, I was ordered to set on a portaloo and urinate until I felt like my bladder was empty. That's right. I had to pee while two total strangers hovered around me watching. It was around this moment that I decided my sheet really was not a necessity as there was to be no modesty observed for the rest of this encounter.
After I voided, several electrodes were strategically taped around my anus and vagina. Now I have never been a Brazilian wax kinda gal but when the nurse started applying the tape down there... I thanked the stars that I had shaved my lady bits. While the first nurse was taping me up, the second nurse commented on how it was good that I had shaved. I thought it was rather curious for someone to make a comment about the Va J J grooming habits of a person that they didn't know from Adam.....but this would turn out to be one of the less intimate interactions of the day.
After the electrodes were in place, the taper decided to educate me on what was about to take place next. She explained that they were going to place two catheters in me to gauge my strengths and weaknesses and determine what type of incontinence I had. (I had sought medical advice because I was tired of tinkling when I coughed and sneezed) Since I had previously researched the procedure, I was somewhat informed about the details of the test. I was prepared for the cath, but when the taper told me that if she could not get the cath placed vaginally then she would have to do it anally, I must admit I was surprised. "Oh lets not" I said. Taper quickly told me that it was only about a 5 percent chance that this would become necessary. I told her to make sure I was in that 95th percentile group or we might need to reconsider this test. As "luck" would have it I made the cut and all systems were go without using the backdoor.
With all my electrodes and wires in place, I was ordered back on the portaloo. Taper then manned the computer monitor and keyboard....which she repeatedly stated was an older model than the one she used in her normal office. So when she initiated the test it really came as no surprise to me that the machine did not function like she assumed it would. Since the second nurse was in training she really could not offer any help in getting the computer program to work properly. After restarting the program multiple times with no success, taper determined that the catheter must have a defect. This meant she had to remove my cath and place a new one. I was not at all happy about this turn of events, because let us be clear....it did not feel so great the first time she placed it.
Second catheter is placed. Wires and doohickeys are hooked back up to the computer and when the test is initiated .....again.....the program still did not reset and register as taper thought it should. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Still no luck. At this point I had made up my mind if the damned thing was not going to work I was not going to let her stick me again and I was going to call it a day. The observer asked me to cough and when I did the computer did in fact register properly. So much to taper's jubilation, the torture--I mean test--resumed. Yup, the first cath was just fine--it was the computer operator that was defective. It was probably a good thing that taper could not read my mind.
The rest of the test involved taper filling my bladder with water and asking me to cough, to bear down like I would if I were "having a bowel movement", to let her know when I felt like my bladder was full, and when I had an overwhelming desire to void. Now while this doesn't sound so bad, it doesn't take into consideration that after each cough the observer nurse had to check in the bowl to see if there was any "drops" (of pee). If she did not see any drops but I felt like I had leaked....the observer would dab me off with a tissue or insert a gloved finger in me--you know you can't be too sure?! Sitting was not the only way I was measured. I was also asked to stand over the bowl and go through the coughing and bearing down routine. Have you ever stood in front of strangers....naked....and peed? See what I mean about that intimacy thing?
Two hours and several pee drops later, I was released from my private hell. As I was leaving the building, I texted my friend who works in the urology department. My message was simple: Sister, that sucked ass! As I drove home with my sights set on chocolate, a heating pad and pain relievers....I had to wonder if passing a bladder test was not a poor choice of words.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Friday, February 10, 2012
Heard Today on the Massage Table
Client: "My 8-year old son went for his first communion last week. He apologized as he was walking in and told me that he was going to be a while."
Me replying to my client's complaint about their sex life being less than perfect: "We have hallway sex at my house."
Client after a pregnant pause: "What is hallway sex?'
Me: When you pass your spouse in the hallway and say 'Screw you!"
Me: "Would you hate me if I canceled your appointment so I can go the the UK game?"
Client: "Absolutely not! At least you have your priorities straight."
After doing a Thai massage move that entailed my foot being in the client's armpit while simultaneously pulling their arm, my uncle, aka the client, grimaced and said "I always knew you were a mean little girl."
Me replying to my client's complaint about their sex life being less than perfect: "We have hallway sex at my house."
Client after a pregnant pause: "What is hallway sex?'
Me: When you pass your spouse in the hallway and say 'Screw you!"
Me: "Would you hate me if I canceled your appointment so I can go the the UK game?"
Client: "Absolutely not! At least you have your priorities straight."
After doing a Thai massage move that entailed my foot being in the client's armpit while simultaneously pulling their arm, my uncle, aka the client, grimaced and said "I always knew you were a mean little girl."
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Aromatherapy and Sinus Congestion
If you clicked on this blog to read about what essential oils are good to combat sinus congestion, you will be disappointed. While I can tell you that peppermint and eucalyptus can indeed help you breathe easier, that will not be the topic of this post. This entry will hopefully save a massage therapist from making the same mistake that I made one winter.
I have always loved adding scents to my oils and most of my clients enjoy that little extra touch. As a rule I sprinkle peppermint around the face cradle to help clients relax and breathe easier. For my massage oils I mix it up a bit and blend essential oils for specific purposes. Say for instance my client has a headache...I might rub some lavender oil at the base of their skull. Or tight muscles might get black pepper blended with chamomile. But my go-to massage oil for relaxation is typically neroli aka honeysuckle.
Several years ago I was battling my usual sinus problems and it was not uncommon for me to take antihistamines and use nasal spray on a daily basis. It was during that time frame that I mixed up a fresh batch of my relaxation oil. When all the oils were blended I did my sniff test to see if the aroma was pleasant--but not overpowering. I sniffed but could not smell the honeysuckle at all so I added a few more drops and sniffed the mix again. Same results so I added a few more drops. This time the fragrance was perfect.....or so I thought.
When my clients arrived the next day I used my new batch of honeysuckle scented oil and did not notice anything out of the norm. The two clients I massaged did not mention any problems or have any complaints so I was still under the impression that my mixture was just dandy.
The next morning my first client called and asked me what kind of oil I had used on him the day before. I told him it was the same stuff I always used and then I inquired why he was asking. He told me that when he had arrived at his home, his wife had complained about how bad he smelled and she ordered him into the shower. He was chuckling about the incident and I apologized profusely and halfheartedly thought it might have been my oil but we both wrote it off as his wife having a super sensitive nose.
Later that day my second client called and asked me if I had used a new oil on him because his wife had told him he smelled so bad that she had gotten a headache from his odor. His wife demanded he strip off his clothes and put them in their garage until HE could find time to wash them or throw them in the garbage cans by the curb. Again I apologized profusely and told him to hold the phone line while I checked my oil as he was not the only client that had noticed a difference.
I ran into my treatment room, opened the cap on my oil and was physically assaulted by the most sickening sweet and totally obnoxious mixture of honeysuckle that I had ever encountered. I returned to the phone and told him how truly sorry I was and then I explained what had happened with my stuffy nose. We both had a good laugh and I promised to never use that stuff on him again. I called my other client back and relayed my sinus story to him and had another good laugh. From that day forward my faux pas was known as "that stinky oil" and I have never mixed an oil when I had a stuffy nose.
I have always loved adding scents to my oils and most of my clients enjoy that little extra touch. As a rule I sprinkle peppermint around the face cradle to help clients relax and breathe easier. For my massage oils I mix it up a bit and blend essential oils for specific purposes. Say for instance my client has a headache...I might rub some lavender oil at the base of their skull. Or tight muscles might get black pepper blended with chamomile. But my go-to massage oil for relaxation is typically neroli aka honeysuckle.
Several years ago I was battling my usual sinus problems and it was not uncommon for me to take antihistamines and use nasal spray on a daily basis. It was during that time frame that I mixed up a fresh batch of my relaxation oil. When all the oils were blended I did my sniff test to see if the aroma was pleasant--but not overpowering. I sniffed but could not smell the honeysuckle at all so I added a few more drops and sniffed the mix again. Same results so I added a few more drops. This time the fragrance was perfect.....or so I thought.
When my clients arrived the next day I used my new batch of honeysuckle scented oil and did not notice anything out of the norm. The two clients I massaged did not mention any problems or have any complaints so I was still under the impression that my mixture was just dandy.
The next morning my first client called and asked me what kind of oil I had used on him the day before. I told him it was the same stuff I always used and then I inquired why he was asking. He told me that when he had arrived at his home, his wife had complained about how bad he smelled and she ordered him into the shower. He was chuckling about the incident and I apologized profusely and halfheartedly thought it might have been my oil but we both wrote it off as his wife having a super sensitive nose.
Later that day my second client called and asked me if I had used a new oil on him because his wife had told him he smelled so bad that she had gotten a headache from his odor. His wife demanded he strip off his clothes and put them in their garage until HE could find time to wash them or throw them in the garbage cans by the curb. Again I apologized profusely and told him to hold the phone line while I checked my oil as he was not the only client that had noticed a difference.
I ran into my treatment room, opened the cap on my oil and was physically assaulted by the most sickening sweet and totally obnoxious mixture of honeysuckle that I had ever encountered. I returned to the phone and told him how truly sorry I was and then I explained what had happened with my stuffy nose. We both had a good laugh and I promised to never use that stuff on him again. I called my other client back and relayed my sinus story to him and had another good laugh. From that day forward my faux pas was known as "that stinky oil" and I have never mixed an oil when I had a stuffy nose.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Heard Today on the Massage Table
My client just got back from a European vacation and she shared that a family member had treated her to a spa day that included a massage. She told me that she liked my massage better than the one she received in Prague. I told her "Guess that's a good thing since that is a LONG way to go for a massage."
One of my over the age of 70 clients informed me that she had referred a friend to my office. She told me that the last therapist her friend visited did not give her enough pressure. My little lady said she told her friend "Try Kim.....she will nearly kill you". I laughed and told her I hoped that was a compliment?
Another of my clients over the age of 70 had been seeing another therapist for many years and had visited me on the advice of her son, who is a client of mine. She said that she realized after one visit that her previous therapist was "just scratchin' my back" and she felt like she had just had her first massage when she saw me. THANKS Ms. C!
When a client asked me if it was awesome being married to a massage therapist, I said "Have you ever heard that the mechanic's wife always has a car that never gets fixed? Same thing."
I was doing yoga with a couple of clients/friends last week and when the instructor asked if we could rotate our upper bodies just a little bit more, from across the room a voice said "Kim can't. Her big boobs are in the way." ~I feel so loved!
One of my over the age of 70 clients informed me that she had referred a friend to my office. She told me that the last therapist her friend visited did not give her enough pressure. My little lady said she told her friend "Try Kim.....she will nearly kill you". I laughed and told her I hoped that was a compliment?
Another of my clients over the age of 70 had been seeing another therapist for many years and had visited me on the advice of her son, who is a client of mine. She said that she realized after one visit that her previous therapist was "just scratchin' my back" and she felt like she had just had her first massage when she saw me. THANKS Ms. C!
When a client asked me if it was awesome being married to a massage therapist, I said "Have you ever heard that the mechanic's wife always has a car that never gets fixed? Same thing."
I was doing yoga with a couple of clients/friends last week and when the instructor asked if we could rotate our upper bodies just a little bit more, from across the room a voice said "Kim can't. Her big boobs are in the way." ~I feel so loved!
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Slacker Mode
My apologies for not blogging in over a month. I have no excuse other than I have been in the laziest moods of late. I wish I could promise to be a good and faithful blogger, but I will not add empty promises to my already growing list of short-comings.
Should I offer a glimpse into Kim's New Lazy Life? UK basketball....if there is a game, I will be watching it at home or in person. Kitchen Remodeling.....dust, packing, moving, working out of boxes stacked in a corner as your cabinets are MIA. Health issues....suffice it to say I have been seeing too many white coats and vials of my blood. The Hunger Games series.....great read that was oh so much more appealing than writing. Retired father.....his boredom eventually subsides when he calls me....often. Massage business is booming.....this pays the bills so I cannot shuck this responsibility. Castleville......this game should be call CRACKVILLE as after playing one time I am officially addicted. And last but not least, I was preparing my year end tax materials....SCREW YOU IRS!
In any event, I thought I would post something so the rumors of my death could be put to rest. Think of my time away like you would think of a commercial break from your regularly scheduled program...... Of course I am not selling you more crap that you really don't need or pushing some crazy drug that enhances your sexual performance.....but in this lousy economy I might be willing to negotiate!
Should I offer a glimpse into Kim's New Lazy Life? UK basketball....if there is a game, I will be watching it at home or in person. Kitchen Remodeling.....dust, packing, moving, working out of boxes stacked in a corner as your cabinets are MIA. Health issues....suffice it to say I have been seeing too many white coats and vials of my blood. The Hunger Games series.....great read that was oh so much more appealing than writing. Retired father.....his boredom eventually subsides when he calls me....often. Massage business is booming.....this pays the bills so I cannot shuck this responsibility. Castleville......this game should be call CRACKVILLE as after playing one time I am officially addicted. And last but not least, I was preparing my year end tax materials....SCREW YOU IRS!
In any event, I thought I would post something so the rumors of my death could be put to rest. Think of my time away like you would think of a commercial break from your regularly scheduled program...... Of course I am not selling you more crap that you really don't need or pushing some crazy drug that enhances your sexual performance.....but in this lousy economy I might be willing to negotiate!
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