Starting My New Year Right

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Exercise Anywhere, Anytime 

(by Denise Austin)

Muscles don't know if you're in a fancy gym or in your kitchen. These tips are designed for busy lives -- a minute here and a minute there add up. These are great ways to sneak in certain exercises throughout the day. Keeping your muscles toned works miracles for your metabolism.

• To get a firm bottom when you're walking up stairs, always skip a step -- you'll feel it more in your rear end. Always remember to squeeze your bottom.
• Keep a pair of 3-pound or 5-pound dumbbells at your desk and do lifts while you're talking on the phone, in between meetings, and so on.
• In your car, do tummy tighteners -- pull in your stomach muscles and tighten for five seconds. It's equivalent to one sit up.
• Do squats while you blow dry your hair in the bathroom.
• Do leg lifts in the kitchen.
• Hula hoop for your waist line -- it helps get circulation going and works the muscles of the entire torso. Play loud music and have fun with it.
• Use resistance bands for your arm workouts.
• Sit on a balance ball at your desk -- it helps engage your ab muscles. Then you can roll the ball back and do a few sit ups at the office, too.

Playing Santa

Remember the first time that you got to play Santa for your children?  How warm your heart felt when you watched your child first lay eyes on the presents Santa left?  How pleasant it was to watch your little one play with his toys?  That Christmas morning is probably in the Top 10 best moments in your parental life.  But as the child grows older, the Santa duties get tougher.

Take for instance Child Tight-Lippedus, the child who refuses to tell you what he wants for Christmas.  Your child informs you that while he was at school, he wrote Santa a letter that contained his wish list.  When you ask him what he wrote about, he tells you that you don't need to know--Santa knows.  Weeks pass and you still have no clue what the little bugger wants.  So you start to worry that your Santa endeavors will be a bust.  You envision the  look of disappointment on your child's face when he doesn't find that special toy under the tree.  Then you see the disappointment segue into a depression that stems from your crushing his Christmas dream.  You begin to contemplate the lifelong therapy that your child will need to get over this.

Or Child Non-Rockefeller, the youngster that asks for toys that are not even remotely close to being in Santa's budget.  When you casually mention that his toy choice is expensive, he explains that he knows this and that was why he asked Santa to bring it--it doesn't cost him anything.  You try subliminal messages to dissuade your offspring.  You tell the child his toy choice is very popular and Santa may not have enough for all the good boys and girls.  You ask him for a back-up toy selection and secretly pray it isn't as expensive as the first choice.  You wonder how much your kidney is worth.

Child Primus-Wakened, the sibling that wakes up first and re-arranges the gifts to make sure he gets the biggest share of the loot.   When you ask the child about the toy switch, he calmly looks you in the eye and denies that any of his toys belong to his brother.  In his mind there are only two beings that know the truth about the toy allotment and he is pretty sure Santa will not be testifying against him.  How do you diffuse this situation?  If you insist that the toy selection is not accurate, you risk raising doubts about Santa being real.  If you keep silent the child may become a repeat offender.  Why he could branch out to Easter, pillage both baskets, nab both chocolate bunnies, and leave a single jelly bean for his younger brother.

Child Santa Sly-cosis is the child that no longer believes in Santa but keeps this knowledge to himself so he continues to get goodies.  This child has previously been told  that when he stops believing in Santa, Santa will quit coming to see him.  His ability to pretend he is a believer, in effort to gain perks, indicates he might have a great future in politics.

Child Sherlock-ian is a child who possesses the ability to sniff out a present at almost the exact moment it leaves the mall.  To combat this cunning Santa Sleuth you must be prepared to spend long periods of time in the gift-wrap department.  While you are sweating your ass off  in the gift-wrap line and cursing yourself for not leaving your coat in the car, you will have lots of time to review your checkbook's pitiful balance and reflect on why you subject yourself to this torture year after year.

Child Gluteus Miraculous wants the toy that is so rare and elusive that you know the chances of your obtaining it are as good as a gold monkey flying out your arse.

So why do we play Santa?  Because despite being a source of stress, we still look forward to making our kid see a little Christmas magic.  That 10 minutes of Christmas magic sure is worth it......

Merry Christmas!

Do You Hear What I Hear?

Merry Christmas

Salvation Kimmie

I also take Visa and American Express. LOL

Silence of the Reindeer

 

This made me chuckle.  

That First Step is a Doozey

OOOOO RAH!

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Friend or Unfriend, That is the Question

Have you ever received a friend request on Facebook that was from a childhood buddy that you had lost touch with over the years?  Remember how nostalgic and good you felt when you reconnected?  How viewing pictures of their family and sharing important life events, that passed over the years, gave you that warm fuzzy feeling that was absent since youth?  How reading their status updates made you smile? That friend is not the one I am referring to today.  I am referring to the friend who reaches out to you and you begin to think that time apart was a good thing.

Shortly after that on-line reunion, your new old friend starts spamming you with invitations to play various games aka mindless time sinks cleverly disguised as entertainment.  It was easy to ignore the invites, even when they spammed your news feed begging for assistance to complete their game quest.  The game high scores were easy to overlook as well.  It was still a good "friendship".

Then comes the daily onslaught of quotes.  Sure, we all put up a random quotation from time to time, but your new old friend suddenly takes on the role of zen master and feels the need to share a minimum of twenty quotes each day for everyone's personal enlightenment.  While your friend offers such sage advice as "Live life as if you have never had heartbreak", your own personal view is "When life gives you lemons, add some amaretto and drink that bitch!"  So when you receive notifications of recent activities from this friend, you start to skip over their status updates whenever it involves a quotation and you wonder just how many more quotes about life's hard knocks and coffee addiction could possibly be left in the universe.

Soon after comes the "Click if you love Jesus" or "Click and show your support" for some other cause.  You realize that many years have passed and this friend may not know that you have become Mr. Grinch personified.  He could not have possibly known that your religious beliefs were different now and while you might indeed love Jesus, you do not feel like you just hopped on the rollercoaster to Hell  because you chose  to not click on said religious scare tactics.  Also you are pretty damn sure that your not clicking on the "save the sick baby" post will not cause them to circle the drain or push up daisies anytime soon.

Perhaps you find that you and your new old friend have different views on family values. You begin to see  cryptic status updates about how awesome their lunch dates are.  Then comes the flood of pictures that your friend takes of himself with his smart phone.  You think the status updates are a bit odd from someone that is supposed to be the very picture of a Norman Rockwell-ish like existence--at least all their posts bragging about how great their kids are certainly gave that indication.  You also note that those head shot photos are much more attractive than the full body shots.  Not that you have ever done the same thing with your own pictures......

Then comes the election year.  Who knew you were such a liberal?  At least you are in comparison to the severe right-wing teabagger who has taken over your news feed with links to Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin.  You are a registered Democrat who votes your conscience, irregardless of party affiliation, unlike your friend who claims he will leave "the greatest country in the world" if that Socialist gets re-elected.  You wouldn't dream of posting negative rants about the candidate that you are not voting for and had hoped that your friend felt likewise.  It is about this time that you begin to ponder whether or not to unfriend your new old friend.

At last you see a UK basketball status.  Why yes!  You do actually have something in common with your new old friend, but is this the sum total of your similarities now?  And if so, are you really friends?   Or is this someone who only looks good in your memories and serves to annoy the hell out of you in the current decade?

So you begin to increase the amount of time that you  hover over the unfriend button.  You consider putting your new old friend on the rapidly growing list of the "do not show in news feed" category.  But then a funny thing happens.  You find that you really love to hate their status updates. You find that your friend's status updates are like a real life soap opera that only you....and hundreds of their other close friends get to watch on an almost daily basis--and on particularly good days you might get to view multiple episodes. That is when you realize  that new old friend that made you smile years ago still has the ability to make you smile today.   The circle is complete.

Heard This Week on the Massage Table

Client as I am working on a large knot in his back:  "Persistent little bastard."
Me:  "So am I."


Hubby:  "Why do you tell people that they are jacked up?  That doesn't sound very professional."
Me:  "Because if I tell them that their erector spinae muscle group is ischemic and in contraction they would not understand me, but when I say they are jacked up they know exactly what I am talking about."


Client:  "I feel great.  And you know what that means?  You are my new best friend."



Me:  "You mean nothing hurts today?  I can actually give you a relaxation massage for a change?
Client:  "I will give you a break today but next week I expect my usual torture."