Last week, I went for my annual mammogram. Unlike most women, I find mammograms rather uneventful. But then again I am not modest in the least and have no problems having my "girls" picked up and squished flat as pancakes. In fact the only mildly annoying part of the procedure is that I cannot wear deodorant or lotion until after the procedure is completed. As most hormonal, backside-of-40 women can tell you....hot flashes and a lack of deodorant can be problematic. This thought was what preoccupied me on that day.
As soon as the test was completed I dashed into the dressing room and sprayed my sweaty pits with deodorant. I was on a mission to get out of there and in my haste I completely zoned out and forgot to remove the indicators that were placed on my nipples. Many hours passed and this detail still had not entered my mind until Hubby hugged me. As he hugged me his eyes got really big and he exclaimed "OH MY GOD! Did you pierce your nipples for my birthday present?"
I am not sure which was worse. Him thinking I would actually get my nips pierced or me walking around oblivious to the fact that I had the guides still attached.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Heard This Week on the Massage Table
Client: "My dermatologist has me using a special cream and only bathing every other day until this rash clears up. Lucky for you that today was one of the days I could bathe."
Client: "I have been wading in a creek about a foot deep and through weeds that were waist-high."
Me: "Is it too early for ticks?"
Client: "No, so if you come across any ticks can you let me know? I bet that's something you don't hear from a lot of your clients, eh?"
Client: "That was such a delicious hurt."
Me: "You are not going to like me but I need to put a knee in there."
Client: "OH SHIIIIIIIT!"
Client: "I have been wading in a creek about a foot deep and through weeds that were waist-high."
Me: "Is it too early for ticks?"
Client: "No, so if you come across any ticks can you let me know? I bet that's something you don't hear from a lot of your clients, eh?"
Client: "That was such a delicious hurt."
Me: "You are not going to like me but I need to put a knee in there."
Client: "OH SHIIIIIIIT!"
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Psoas You Relax.....
I was delighted when I first came across Liz Koch’s
amazing work because it confirmed much of what I’d been intuiting on my
own. I had begun to open and close my yoga practise with hip opening
poses with the specific intention of releasing tension in my psoas and
hip flexors. I’d breathe and imagine tension flowing out of constricted
muscles to be released as energy into the torso.
It worked, I’d feel my body soften yet somehow grow stronger.
Reading Liz Koch I instantly realized what I was doing – by learning to relax my psoas I was literally energizing my deepest core by reconnecting with the powerful energy of the earth. According to Koch, the psoas is far more than a core stabilizing muscle; it is an organ of perception composed of bio-intelligent tissue and “literally embodies our deepest urge for survival, and more profoundly, our elemental desire to flourish.”
Well, I just had to learn more. Here is just a sprinkling of the research that Liz Koch and others have uncovered regarding the importance of the psoas to our health, vitality and emotional well-being.
The
Psoas muscle (pronounced so-as) is the deepest muscle of the human body
affecting our structural balance, muscular integrity, flexibility,
strength, range of motion, joint mobility, and organ functioning.
The Psoas is the only ‘muscle’ to connect the spine to the legs. It
is responsible for holding us upright, and allows us to lift our legs in
order to walk. A healthily functioning psoas stabilizes the spine and
provides support through the trunk, forming a shelf for the vital organs
of the abdominal core.
The psoas is connected to the diaphragm through connective tissue or fascia which affects both our breath and fear reflex. This is because the psoas is directly linked to the re
ptilian
brain, the most ancient interior part of the brain stem and spinal
cord. As Koch writes “Long before the spoken word or the organizing
capacity of the cortex developed, the reptilian brain, known for its
survival instincts, maintained our essential core functioning.”
Koch believes that our fast paced modern lifestyle (which runs on the adrenaline of our sympathetic nervous system) chronically triggers and tightens the psoas – making it literally ready to run or fight. The psoas helps you to spring into action – or curl you up into a protective ball.
If we constantly contract the psoas to due to stress or tension , the muscle eventually begins to shorten leading to a host of painful conditions including low back pain, sacroiliac pain, sciatica, disc problems, spondylolysis, scoliosis, hip degeneration, knee pain, menstruation pain, infertility, and digestive problems.
A
tight psoas not only creates structural problems, it constricts the
organs, puts pressure on nerves, interferes with the movement of fluids,
and impairs diaphragmatic breathing.
In fact, “The psoas is so intimately involved in such basic physical and emotional reactions, that a chronically tightened psoas continually signals your body that you’re in danger, eventually exhausting the adrenal glands and depleting the immune system.”
And according to Koch, this situation is exacerbated by many things in our modern lifestyle, from car seats to constrictive clothing, from chairs to shoes that distort our posture, curtail our natural movements and further constrict our psoas.
Koch believes the first step in cultivating a healthy psoas is to release unnecessary tension. But “to work with the psoas is not to try to control the muscle, but to cultivate the awareness necessary for sensing its messages. This involves making a conscious choice to become somatically aware.”
A
relaxed psoas is the mark of play and creative expression. Instead of
the contracted psoas, ready to run or fight, the relaxed and released
psoas is ready instead to lengthen and open, to dance. In many yoga
poses (like tree) the thighs can’t fully rotate outward unless the
psoas releases. A released psoas allows the front of the thighs to
lengthen and the leg to move independently from the pelvis, enhancing
and deepening the lift of the entire torso and heart.
Koch believes that by cultivating a healthy psoas, we can rekindle our body’s vital energies by learning to reconnect with the life force of the universe. Within the Taoist tradition the psoas is spoken of as the seat or muscle of the soul, and sur
rounds
the lower “Dan tien” a major energy center of body. A flexible and
strong psoas grounds us and allows subtle energies to flow through the
bones, muscles and joints.
It worked, I’d feel my body soften yet somehow grow stronger.
Reading Liz Koch I instantly realized what I was doing – by learning to relax my psoas I was literally energizing my deepest core by reconnecting with the powerful energy of the earth. According to Koch, the psoas is far more than a core stabilizing muscle; it is an organ of perception composed of bio-intelligent tissue and “literally embodies our deepest urge for survival, and more profoundly, our elemental desire to flourish.”
Well, I just had to learn more. Here is just a sprinkling of the research that Liz Koch and others have uncovered regarding the importance of the psoas to our health, vitality and emotional well-being.
The
Psoas muscle (pronounced so-as) is the deepest muscle of the human body
affecting our structural balance, muscular integrity, flexibility,
strength, range of motion, joint mobility, and organ functioning.
Growing out of both sides of the spine, the
psoas spans laterally from the 12th thoracic vertebrae (T12) to each of
the 5 lumbar vertebrae. From there it flows down through the abdominal
core, the pelvis, to attach to the top of the femur (thigh) bone.
The psoas is connected to the diaphragm through connective tissue or fascia which affects both our breath and fear reflex. This is because the psoas is directly linked to the re
ptilian
brain, the most ancient interior part of the brain stem and spinal
cord. As Koch writes “Long before the spoken word or the organizing
capacity of the cortex developed, the reptilian brain, known for its
survival instincts, maintained our essential core functioning.”Koch believes that our fast paced modern lifestyle (which runs on the adrenaline of our sympathetic nervous system) chronically triggers and tightens the psoas – making it literally ready to run or fight. The psoas helps you to spring into action – or curl you up into a protective ball.
If we constantly contract the psoas to due to stress or tension , the muscle eventually begins to shorten leading to a host of painful conditions including low back pain, sacroiliac pain, sciatica, disc problems, spondylolysis, scoliosis, hip degeneration, knee pain, menstruation pain, infertility, and digestive problems.
A
tight psoas not only creates structural problems, it constricts the
organs, puts pressure on nerves, interferes with the movement of fluids,
and impairs diaphragmatic breathing.In fact, “The psoas is so intimately involved in such basic physical and emotional reactions, that a chronically tightened psoas continually signals your body that you’re in danger, eventually exhausting the adrenal glands and depleting the immune system.”
And according to Koch, this situation is exacerbated by many things in our modern lifestyle, from car seats to constrictive clothing, from chairs to shoes that distort our posture, curtail our natural movements and further constrict our psoas.
Koch believes the first step in cultivating a healthy psoas is to release unnecessary tension. But “to work with the psoas is not to try to control the muscle, but to cultivate the awareness necessary for sensing its messages. This involves making a conscious choice to become somatically aware.”
A
relaxed psoas is the mark of play and creative expression. Instead of
the contracted psoas, ready to run or fight, the relaxed and released
psoas is ready instead to lengthen and open, to dance. In many yoga
poses (like tree) the thighs can’t fully rotate outward unless the
psoas releases. A released psoas allows the front of the thighs to
lengthen and the leg to move independently from the pelvis, enhancing
and deepening the lift of the entire torso and heart.Koch believes that by cultivating a healthy psoas, we can rekindle our body’s vital energies by learning to reconnect with the life force of the universe. Within the Taoist tradition the psoas is spoken of as the seat or muscle of the soul, and sur
rounds
the lower “Dan tien” a major energy center of body. A flexible and
strong psoas grounds us and allows subtle energies to flow through the
bones, muscles and joints.
Koch writes “The psoas, by conducting energy, grounds us to the
earth, just as a grounding wire prevents shocks and eliminates static on
a radio. Freed and grounded, the spine can awaken”…“ As gravitational
flows transfer weight through bones, tissue, and muscle, into the earth,
the earth rebounds, flowing back up the legs and spine, energizing,
coordinating and animating posture, movement and expression. It is an
uninterrupted conversation between self, earth, and cosmos.”
So, it might be worth it, next time you practice, to tune in and pay attention to what your bio-intelligent psoas has to say.
So, it might be worth it, next time you practice, to tune in and pay attention to what your bio-intelligent psoas has to say.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Mother's Day Massage Deal
PS For all you last minute shoppers, we can send a text message/gift card to your loved one's cell phone.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Sarcasm Be Mine Name
Do you know what the biggest problem in my life is? I have a brain and I choose to use it. Just slightly less problematic than having a brain is that I have a mouth and I choose to use it. Now, when you combine Problem 1 and Problem 2 you get my persona, Sarcastabitch. Sarcastabitch of House Quick Witted and Sharp Tongued, whose motto is "Sarcasm is such great fun in the company of dullards".
Like other super-heroines, Sarcastabitch has unique super powers too. She can deliver sarcasm faster than a speeding bullet.....although sometimes her sarcasm hits dullards and the whole brain exploding thing works just like they were hit with a speeding bullet. Sarcastabitch also has the ability to read minds. Well, maybe not down to their grocery list, but certainly she can tell whether the gerbil fell asleep at the wheel or if he got his paws on some caffeine and is running for the Rodent Gold Medal. Lastly, she sometimes gets glimpses of the immediate future, which can really give her the upper-hand in a battle of wits.
Just like her sisters in arms, Sarcastabitch has weaknesses as well. She tires easily when she is in a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent. One would think a short battle would be better, no? All too often it is game, set, and match in a single zinger....then poor ole Sarcastabitch is left with an inordinately large supply of sarcasm and no place to dump it. Sarcastabitch also has a very low tolerance for ignorance. When she is surrounded by stupidity, her Resist Disease Stats (My name is Kim and I was an Everquest junky) are lowered and her mouth can sometimes speak what her brain knows is true but should not be spoken aloud.
This week Kim was having a wee bit of stress and decided to make light of her situation by posting a sarcastic status update on Facebook. Unfortunately this comment was read but not understood by her least dreaded foe, Drama Whore. (Drama Whore had been disguised as one of Kim's Facebook friends so they were able to keep an eye on her activities) Drama Whore, the evil villain that hails from House Shit Stirring and Cowardice, whose motto is "C U Next Tuesday", failed to comprehend sarcasm and humor--despite the fact that thirteen other people liked Kim's post and some others offered a few of their own witty comments about Kim's status update. Nope, Drama Whore only saw Kim" making physical threats toward people."
Anonymous is Drama Whore's evil side-kick. Ever notice how many nasty or evil internet posts are signed "Anonymous"? That asshole is everywhere! Drama Whore and Anonymous love the internet because it allows them to slander and tell lies without ever having to face the good people they are trying to destroy. But on this particular day they decided to cause problems for Kim. Not knowing this was Sarcastabitch's alter ego, Anonymous and Drama Whore launched an attack on Kim. Drama Whore sent Kim a private message laced with statements that might be attributed to someone with a Napoleonic Complex aka Little Man Syndrome. And grammatically speaking....it read like Rainman... on crack.
So just to be polite (one of the best ways to thwart bullies, by the way), Sarcastabitch responded to Drama Whore's message (although Kim had to find a different email account since Drama Whore blocked Kim from replying to the message via Facebook....but I digress) and tried to explain what this weapon of mass destruction aka sarcasm really is. Then without breaking a nail, Sarcastabitch did a wee bit of friendscaping and sent Drama Whore and Anonymous back to their lonely land of Shit Stirring and Cowardice.
For those of you who were reading closely....Yes, earlier I did say Drama Whore is Sarcastabitch's "least dreaded foe". Why? Because Drama Whore only has power when surrounded by other miserable beings that, unlike Sarcastabitch, choose to use their mouths.... without choosing to use their brains.
Disclaimer: This story is a work of sarcasm and should not be associated with any real super heroes, either living or dead. No animals were harmed while writing this piece.
Like other super-heroines, Sarcastabitch has unique super powers too. She can deliver sarcasm faster than a speeding bullet.....although sometimes her sarcasm hits dullards and the whole brain exploding thing works just like they were hit with a speeding bullet. Sarcastabitch also has the ability to read minds. Well, maybe not down to their grocery list, but certainly she can tell whether the gerbil fell asleep at the wheel or if he got his paws on some caffeine and is running for the Rodent Gold Medal. Lastly, she sometimes gets glimpses of the immediate future, which can really give her the upper-hand in a battle of wits.
Just like her sisters in arms, Sarcastabitch has weaknesses as well. She tires easily when she is in a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent. One would think a short battle would be better, no? All too often it is game, set, and match in a single zinger....then poor ole Sarcastabitch is left with an inordinately large supply of sarcasm and no place to dump it. Sarcastabitch also has a very low tolerance for ignorance. When she is surrounded by stupidity, her Resist Disease Stats (My name is Kim and I was an Everquest junky) are lowered and her mouth can sometimes speak what her brain knows is true but should not be spoken aloud.
This week Kim was having a wee bit of stress and decided to make light of her situation by posting a sarcastic status update on Facebook. Unfortunately this comment was read but not understood by her least dreaded foe, Drama Whore. (Drama Whore had been disguised as one of Kim's Facebook friends so they were able to keep an eye on her activities) Drama Whore, the evil villain that hails from House Shit Stirring and Cowardice, whose motto is "C U Next Tuesday", failed to comprehend sarcasm and humor--despite the fact that thirteen other people liked Kim's post and some others offered a few of their own witty comments about Kim's status update. Nope, Drama Whore only saw Kim" making physical threats toward people."
Anonymous is Drama Whore's evil side-kick. Ever notice how many nasty or evil internet posts are signed "Anonymous"? That asshole is everywhere! Drama Whore and Anonymous love the internet because it allows them to slander and tell lies without ever having to face the good people they are trying to destroy. But on this particular day they decided to cause problems for Kim. Not knowing this was Sarcastabitch's alter ego, Anonymous and Drama Whore launched an attack on Kim. Drama Whore sent Kim a private message laced with statements that might be attributed to someone with a Napoleonic Complex aka Little Man Syndrome. And grammatically speaking....it read like Rainman... on crack.
So just to be polite (one of the best ways to thwart bullies, by the way), Sarcastabitch responded to Drama Whore's message (although Kim had to find a different email account since Drama Whore blocked Kim from replying to the message via Facebook....but I digress) and tried to explain what this weapon of mass destruction aka sarcasm really is. Then without breaking a nail, Sarcastabitch did a wee bit of friendscaping and sent Drama Whore and Anonymous back to their lonely land of Shit Stirring and Cowardice.
For those of you who were reading closely....Yes, earlier I did say Drama Whore is Sarcastabitch's "least dreaded foe". Why? Because Drama Whore only has power when surrounded by other miserable beings that, unlike Sarcastabitch, choose to use their mouths.... without choosing to use their brains.
Disclaimer: This story is a work of sarcasm and should not be associated with any real super heroes, either living or dead. No animals were harmed while writing this piece.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Wal-mart Observations
You know I like to bitch about Wal-mart, but the reality is that this place is a virtual goldmine of writing material. Each visit is always memorable in some way. Like....
Fashion. Who could ever get tired of seeing people shopping in their pajamas? Sure, I might walk outside in my pjs when the dog needs to do his business, but NEVER would I dream of walking around in public without a bra, let alone sporting wrinkled flannel pants and house slippers. Or what about the very large women wearing tanktops that are about 5 sizes too small and stretch pants that defy all laws of physics? Sometimes I catch myself staring and silently hoping to see a seam rip out. I envision the fleshy parts flopping out into multiple fat layers of white and purple blotches. Or the greasy-haired, jailhouse tattooed family? The family that inks together, stays together. Doubt me? For a good chuckle, check out the website www.peopleofwalmart.com
Motorized carts. It never ceases to chap my ass when I see grossly obese people riding around the store with a basket full of Little Debbie snacks. How about walking around the store and burning off some of those empty calories huh? A great many of these folks will tell you that they suffer from plantar fasciitis. What I would like to say is "No, your feet hurt because of all that weight. What you have is plant-my-fatty-asses. Lose the donuts and pick up some fresh veggies. Sure, it might shock your body to actually eat food that is good for you, but it beats the slow death you and your Twinkies are headed for."
Screaming kids. Has it become acceptable for "parents" to let their children run up and down the aisles unattended? "Hey lady! Not everybody thinks your little snot-nosed, dirty-faced kids are cute. In fact, when they act like this I want to spank your ass for not doing your J O B. And please shut that screaming baby up! Or is he like the siren for your shopping cart?"
Announcements. Does anyone else hear Charlie Brown's school teacher when a Walmartian makes an announcement over the PA system? "Bwabwabwa bwa automotives bwabwa."
Yesterday I was at the Richmond Road location when a Snoop Dog look alike walked in. His pants were belted around his knees and his dreadlocks reached his waist--you know where his pants should have been. He nodded at his friend manning the register and said "Ite, Daw." The heavy white gal behind me in the checkout line, wearing a boob tube and stretch pants, said "Can you believe how stupid he looks?" Yep, it's moments like this that make your whole visit worthwhile.
Fashion. Who could ever get tired of seeing people shopping in their pajamas? Sure, I might walk outside in my pjs when the dog needs to do his business, but NEVER would I dream of walking around in public without a bra, let alone sporting wrinkled flannel pants and house slippers. Or what about the very large women wearing tanktops that are about 5 sizes too small and stretch pants that defy all laws of physics? Sometimes I catch myself staring and silently hoping to see a seam rip out. I envision the fleshy parts flopping out into multiple fat layers of white and purple blotches. Or the greasy-haired, jailhouse tattooed family? The family that inks together, stays together. Doubt me? For a good chuckle, check out the website www.peopleofwalmart.com
Motorized carts. It never ceases to chap my ass when I see grossly obese people riding around the store with a basket full of Little Debbie snacks. How about walking around the store and burning off some of those empty calories huh? A great many of these folks will tell you that they suffer from plantar fasciitis. What I would like to say is "No, your feet hurt because of all that weight. What you have is plant-my-fatty-asses. Lose the donuts and pick up some fresh veggies. Sure, it might shock your body to actually eat food that is good for you, but it beats the slow death you and your Twinkies are headed for."
Screaming kids. Has it become acceptable for "parents" to let their children run up and down the aisles unattended? "Hey lady! Not everybody thinks your little snot-nosed, dirty-faced kids are cute. In fact, when they act like this I want to spank your ass for not doing your J O B. And please shut that screaming baby up! Or is he like the siren for your shopping cart?"
Announcements. Does anyone else hear Charlie Brown's school teacher when a Walmartian makes an announcement over the PA system? "Bwabwabwa bwa automotives bwabwa."
Yesterday I was at the Richmond Road location when a Snoop Dog look alike walked in. His pants were belted around his knees and his dreadlocks reached his waist--you know where his pants should have been. He nodded at his friend manning the register and said "Ite, Daw." The heavy white gal behind me in the checkout line, wearing a boob tube and stretch pants, said "Can you believe how stupid he looks?" Yep, it's moments like this that make your whole visit worthwhile.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Heard This Week on the Massage Table
Client: "I have big expectations from you today, I'm a big ball of knots and stress."
Client: "Do you prefer fixing or relaxing people?"
Me: "I am definitely more of a fixer."
Client: "Well I am glad I didn't disappoint you then."
Me: "How is your hip pain today?"
Client: "I have seen you twice now and I am cured! You are a miracle worker!"
Me: "Have you ever seen Terms of Endearment? The scene where Shirley Maclaine has the melt down over the nurse not getting her daughter's meds on time? Yeah, that pretty much sums up how I reacted to the crappy nursing staff at Central Baptist ER."
Client: "I did Zumba, Butts and Guts and hand weights last night. I think I over-did it."
Me: "Well, aren't you just going to be tons of fun to work on today."
Me: "You are pretty tight in your back today."
Client: "See what happens when I can't get in to see you? I fall apart when I go longer than two weeks without seeing you."
Me: "Were you pulling for the Cardinals to win the NCAA Tournament?"
Client: "No. The only way I can be kind of okay about it is by telling myself that at least it wasn't Duke."
Client: "Do you prefer fixing or relaxing people?"
Me: "I am definitely more of a fixer."
Client: "Well I am glad I didn't disappoint you then."
Me: "How is your hip pain today?"
Client: "I have seen you twice now and I am cured! You are a miracle worker!"
Me: "Have you ever seen Terms of Endearment? The scene where Shirley Maclaine has the melt down over the nurse not getting her daughter's meds on time? Yeah, that pretty much sums up how I reacted to the crappy nursing staff at Central Baptist ER."
Client: "I did Zumba, Butts and Guts and hand weights last night. I think I over-did it."
Me: "Well, aren't you just going to be tons of fun to work on today."
Me: "You are pretty tight in your back today."
Client: "See what happens when I can't get in to see you? I fall apart when I go longer than two weeks without seeing you."
Me: "Were you pulling for the Cardinals to win the NCAA Tournament?"
Client: "No. The only way I can be kind of okay about it is by telling myself that at least it wasn't Duke."
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