Last week as I was escorting my 70 years plus client back to the treatment room she asked me to not use pressure quite as deep as I did for her last massage because "it hurt a little bit". I asked her if she hurt after her massage and she answered "No! I felt like a million bucks!". So then I asked her if she was sore the next day and she again answered "No." I then asked her to explain when exactly she was hurting. She told me it was just when I was actually doing the massage. So I asked her if the pain she experienced was deep or just slightly uncomfortable. My client told me that it was just slightly uncomfortable. So I re-verified that she felt great after her massage and the only pain she felt was when I was working on one of her sore spots. After she had agreed with me I told her that it seemed like I was at just the right depth and I further explained that sometimes a therapeutic massage could reach the point of what I called a "good hurt", which it certainly sounded like was the case with her last massage. Showing her years of wisdom she said "So basically I just need to shut up and take it, right?"
Client: "Isn't Alli the stuff that gives you exploding diarrhea?"
Me: "Well, you definitely can't trust a fart."
Me: "Do you know how much I appreciate your being so diligent in showing up for your appointments?"
Client: "Do you know how much I appreciate YOU keeping our appointments?"
Me: "Wow your feet are not in a happy place!"
Client: "Well I was in New York and I had a Sex in the City moment so I stupidly tried to walk in 4 inch heels while I was sight-seeing and shopping."
Client: "I told her what I thought about that blankety blank crap...only I didn't say blankety blank."
Monday, October 1, 2012
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Heard This Week on the Massage Table
This has been a very busy week in politics. I lost two Facebook friends because I pointed out a falsehood that was being posted about Obama. Luckily I was not alone in this matter. One of my clients has a brilliant teenage son who fought the good fight for Obama as well. His mom told me that her entire family, other than herself and her spouse, were die hard Republicans. She told me that she had raised her son to be open-minded and to not believe everything he heard about politicians. My client explained that several of her family members were in the habit of posting lies about Obama and she tried to ignore them. But her son was not as forgiving. He took it upon himself to point out the falsehoods.to his family....without clearing this with his mom. My client said to the boy's credit, he had researched matters and posted the facts as to where he had found the true statistics. But needless to say their family was not happy about the situation and her phone rang all night with angry family members calling to complain about the boy. I kinda love that kid!
One of my lovely senior ladies was good enough to share a story about her job as a dean at UK. She told me that she was dean during the time when the Kent State tragedy took place. She said that when a fire was set nearby on the UK campus, the National Guard were called in for precautionary measures. She and several others were quarantined overnight. She chuckled as she recalled phoning her husband to tell him about the events. She told him that she was safe but she would not be able to come home that evening and as an afterthought she informed him that the Junior League meeting was to be held at their house that evening so he would need to get her strawberry shortcake out and make sure the meeting went off in her absence. I kinda love that lady's perkiness!
As I leaned my elbow into a tight muscle my client said "Did you learn that move at massage school or Gitmo?"
One of my clients that is a realtor said "I told my husband that Joker better list his house now as it was not going to be a short-sell and he was not going to be here much longer."
Text message: "When can you see me chick?"
One of my lovely senior ladies was good enough to share a story about her job as a dean at UK. She told me that she was dean during the time when the Kent State tragedy took place. She said that when a fire was set nearby on the UK campus, the National Guard were called in for precautionary measures. She and several others were quarantined overnight. She chuckled as she recalled phoning her husband to tell him about the events. She told him that she was safe but she would not be able to come home that evening and as an afterthought she informed him that the Junior League meeting was to be held at their house that evening so he would need to get her strawberry shortcake out and make sure the meeting went off in her absence. I kinda love that lady's perkiness!
As I leaned my elbow into a tight muscle my client said "Did you learn that move at massage school or Gitmo?"
One of my clients that is a realtor said "I told my husband that Joker better list his house now as it was not going to be a short-sell and he was not going to be here much longer."
Text message: "When can you see me chick?"
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Politics, Facebook and Friends Oh My
Growing up a Southern Belle meant there were certain things in which a lady was not to engage. Sex, obviously. This was a great taboo. "A man will not buy a cow if he is getting the milk for free", "Pure as snow until the wedding night", "Southern men want a woman that looks like a good church lady in the daytime but is a whore in the bedroom". These were some of the pearls of wisdom I heard over the years. In my youth I followed the rules and was steadfast in believing what my elders had passed on to me. As I grew older and wiser, I began to doubt my moral lessons and would counter with my own questions: "Would you buy a car without test driving it? It may look like a dream but how is going to perform?", "Why would anyone want to be a virgin on their wedding night if the first time is going to hurt?", "Since most experts believe sex is roughly 50 percent or more in terms of importance in a good marriage, wouldn't you like to find out how compatible you are with someone-- before you walk down the aisle?". I never said I was a GOOD Southern Belle...
After I modified my sexual beliefs I began to open my mind to other ideas that might be considered inappropriate for a good Southern Belle's repertoire.....
Like my not being a practicing Southern Baptist. I come from a long line of Bible Beating Baptists who cringe whenever I say I support gay marriage and abortion. My adult open-minded idea of religion is that I respect your beliefs and support your religious freedom, but I would prefer that you keep your beliefs out of politics and not persecute those who do not believe in the same God or religion as you do.
Like swearing. I was taught that it was simply not lady-like to swear. Although my grandmother, a God-fearing-good Christian lady, must have had an "Okay to swear pass" because she said "I'll be shit" on a regular basis and nobody ever thought less of her. I found that dropping the F bomb into a well thought out speech could really make people understand just how serious I was.
Like speaking my mind. I had been taught it was better to be seen than heard, and brother was I ever doomed to fail this one. So without much thought at all, I tossed this rule to the side and whether someone liked it or not, I told them just how I felt about matters. I also began to really respect others who spoke honestly, who were not afraid to take hits for their beliefs, who did not allow others to define who they were. While I still respect those who subscribe to the "seen but not heard" crowd, I have found it is not so easy for some to respect my views....mainly those who live inside the box.
Who are the box dwellers? They are people taught, at an early age, many of the same things that I was taught. Many of these ideas are great. Respecting your elders. Treating others the way you would like to be treated. Helping those less fortunate than yourself. Being Christ-like. The box dwellers that practice these policies are wonderful people. These boxers are pillars in our community and well-loved by many.
It is the boxers that refuse to be educated that I have issues with. The ones that call themselves Christians but bomb abortion clinics and picket funerals of soldiers. The ones that hate others because their skin is darker than theirs. The ones that hate others who do not believe that marriage is only for one man and one woman. The ones who spout their religious and political beliefs but dare anyone to disagree with them. The ones who read something on the internet or see something on Fox News and accept it as gospel. The ones who find it easier to spew hatred than to find a compromise. The ones who call our president a socialist but gladly stick out their hands for government assistance.
Normally I can ignore the idiot boxers and follow my Southern Belle teachings of being seen but not heard. Alas this week was not one of those weeks; it was a "speaking my mind" kinda week. Monday when I logged into Facebook, I found that a 20-year acquaintance of mine was once again posting vitriol about President Obama. This time, like most, he had copied and pasted a picture and comment from a rabid right-wing website. His status claimed that Obama had ordered Marines in Egypt to not use live ammo to protect the embassy. In the past I had ignored his birther, Muslim, socialist rants but this time I felt compelled to correct him. I responded to his status by stating that Snopes and various other fact checkers had proved that his was a blatant untruth that had been circulated to make the administration look bad. I further stated that there was a lot of crap on the internet that was....crap. I did not call Romney a demon, nor did I put Obama up on a pedestal but I did tell the truth. Apparently this upset the fellow so much that he UN-friended me. The following day his wife had also UN-friended me.
Do I really mind that I lost two friends on Facebook because I dared to have a differing opinion? Not in the least. What I mind is that people feel the need to take a social network and try to make it a political, religious or moral meter. What I also mind is that not once did this person stop to ask himself if what he was posting was offensive or hurtful to anyone--he just assumed we would all be in agreement with his own beliefs. What I mind is that when I dared to point out facts and state that he was incorrect, rather than delete his status or say he had made a mistake, he chose to UN-friend me so he would not have to see anything that might call into question some of the beliefs held in his angst-filled box.
What I did not mind was that when he UN-friended me, he also took the time to delete his copy and paste Obama smear campaign. Heaven forbid anyone see that he had been wrong and that crazy liberal massage therapist was right!
Oh, and while I was chuckling about this box dwelling EX-friend, I might have called his actions wussyfied douchbaggery....I know it isn't very Christ-like but then I never said I was a good Southern Belle.
After I modified my sexual beliefs I began to open my mind to other ideas that might be considered inappropriate for a good Southern Belle's repertoire.....
Like my not being a practicing Southern Baptist. I come from a long line of Bible Beating Baptists who cringe whenever I say I support gay marriage and abortion. My adult open-minded idea of religion is that I respect your beliefs and support your religious freedom, but I would prefer that you keep your beliefs out of politics and not persecute those who do not believe in the same God or religion as you do.
Like swearing. I was taught that it was simply not lady-like to swear. Although my grandmother, a God-fearing-good Christian lady, must have had an "Okay to swear pass" because she said "I'll be shit" on a regular basis and nobody ever thought less of her. I found that dropping the F bomb into a well thought out speech could really make people understand just how serious I was.
Like speaking my mind. I had been taught it was better to be seen than heard, and brother was I ever doomed to fail this one. So without much thought at all, I tossed this rule to the side and whether someone liked it or not, I told them just how I felt about matters. I also began to really respect others who spoke honestly, who were not afraid to take hits for their beliefs, who did not allow others to define who they were. While I still respect those who subscribe to the "seen but not heard" crowd, I have found it is not so easy for some to respect my views....mainly those who live inside the box.
Who are the box dwellers? They are people taught, at an early age, many of the same things that I was taught. Many of these ideas are great. Respecting your elders. Treating others the way you would like to be treated. Helping those less fortunate than yourself. Being Christ-like. The box dwellers that practice these policies are wonderful people. These boxers are pillars in our community and well-loved by many.
It is the boxers that refuse to be educated that I have issues with. The ones that call themselves Christians but bomb abortion clinics and picket funerals of soldiers. The ones that hate others because their skin is darker than theirs. The ones that hate others who do not believe that marriage is only for one man and one woman. The ones who spout their religious and political beliefs but dare anyone to disagree with them. The ones who read something on the internet or see something on Fox News and accept it as gospel. The ones who find it easier to spew hatred than to find a compromise. The ones who call our president a socialist but gladly stick out their hands for government assistance.
Normally I can ignore the idiot boxers and follow my Southern Belle teachings of being seen but not heard. Alas this week was not one of those weeks; it was a "speaking my mind" kinda week. Monday when I logged into Facebook, I found that a 20-year acquaintance of mine was once again posting vitriol about President Obama. This time, like most, he had copied and pasted a picture and comment from a rabid right-wing website. His status claimed that Obama had ordered Marines in Egypt to not use live ammo to protect the embassy. In the past I had ignored his birther, Muslim, socialist rants but this time I felt compelled to correct him. I responded to his status by stating that Snopes and various other fact checkers had proved that his was a blatant untruth that had been circulated to make the administration look bad. I further stated that there was a lot of crap on the internet that was....crap. I did not call Romney a demon, nor did I put Obama up on a pedestal but I did tell the truth. Apparently this upset the fellow so much that he UN-friended me. The following day his wife had also UN-friended me.
Do I really mind that I lost two friends on Facebook because I dared to have a differing opinion? Not in the least. What I mind is that people feel the need to take a social network and try to make it a political, religious or moral meter. What I also mind is that not once did this person stop to ask himself if what he was posting was offensive or hurtful to anyone--he just assumed we would all be in agreement with his own beliefs. What I mind is that when I dared to point out facts and state that he was incorrect, rather than delete his status or say he had made a mistake, he chose to UN-friend me so he would not have to see anything that might call into question some of the beliefs held in his angst-filled box.
What I did not mind was that when he UN-friended me, he also took the time to delete his copy and paste Obama smear campaign. Heaven forbid anyone see that he had been wrong and that crazy liberal massage therapist was right!
Oh, and while I was chuckling about this box dwelling EX-friend, I might have called his actions wussyfied douchbaggery....I know it isn't very Christ-like but then I never said I was a good Southern Belle.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Massage Chatter
Client: I apologize but I have been out sweating in the fields all day long. If you have any oil for really stinky--you better dig it out!
Client Text Message: I bet you were just thinking how much you would really like to be massaging me right now.....
Client as multiple pops are heard from my massage table: I sure hope all that noise wasn't coming from ME!
Me: I was going to suggest some Tiger Balm but I am not sure you want to smell like cloves....
Client: Smell. Me. Up.
Client: I recommended you to one of my buddies. I told him that you would make him squirm.
Client: I changed shoes today before I came so my feet wouldn't be so stinky. I would hate to be known as the Stinky Client.
Me: No worries there. I have someone with stinkier feet than yours.
Client: I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER NOW! I am not Kim's stinkiest client!
Client: I told my wife that she was mistaken about Corwyn's injury. She said he broke his foot and I told her that he had to get five stitches in his knee.
Me: Well the stitches were last week. The fractured foot was this week. So you both were right.
Client: Well hell, I guess Corwyn is on a first name basis at the UTC.
Client Text Message: Holy shit I need a massage!
Client Text Message: I bet you were just thinking how much you would really like to be massaging me right now.....
Client as multiple pops are heard from my massage table: I sure hope all that noise wasn't coming from ME!
Me: I was going to suggest some Tiger Balm but I am not sure you want to smell like cloves....
Client: Smell. Me. Up.
Client: I recommended you to one of my buddies. I told him that you would make him squirm.
Client: I changed shoes today before I came so my feet wouldn't be so stinky. I would hate to be known as the Stinky Client.
Me: No worries there. I have someone with stinkier feet than yours.
Client: I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER NOW! I am not Kim's stinkiest client!
Client: I told my wife that she was mistaken about Corwyn's injury. She said he broke his foot and I told her that he had to get five stitches in his knee.
Me: Well the stitches were last week. The fractured foot was this week. So you both were right.
Client: Well hell, I guess Corwyn is on a first name basis at the UTC.
Client Text Message: Holy shit I need a massage!
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Heard This Week on the Massage Table
Client as I am putting his leg into a deep stretch: "You would make a really good wrestler!"
Client explaining pain in her middle finger : "I used to think I had carpal tunnel but now I think I have just over-used it flipping too many birds."
Client: "I am soooo glad to be here!"
Me: "You know, I get that a lot and I am not quite sure why."
Client: "What's been going on with you since I was here last?"
Me: "I ran my first marathon this week."
Client: "YOU DID? THAT'S AWESOME!"
Me: "Are you kidding me? I am on my third donut today."
Client: "Do you get massages from your husband or do you see someone else?"
Me: "For the most part I see my husband because he is really good, he's free and I am very hard to please when it comes to finding a good massage therapist. Of course the downside is that when he sees me naked on a massage table he assumes it is foreplay."
Client laughing: "Kind of like that song.....sometimes a back rub is just a back rub!"
Text Message from client: I bet you were just thinking how much you would like to massage me.
Client explaining pain in her middle finger : "I used to think I had carpal tunnel but now I think I have just over-used it flipping too many birds."
Client: "I am soooo glad to be here!"
Me: "You know, I get that a lot and I am not quite sure why."
Client: "What's been going on with you since I was here last?"
Me: "I ran my first marathon this week."
Client: "YOU DID? THAT'S AWESOME!"
Me: "Are you kidding me? I am on my third donut today."
Client: "Do you get massages from your husband or do you see someone else?"
Me: "For the most part I see my husband because he is really good, he's free and I am very hard to please when it comes to finding a good massage therapist. Of course the downside is that when he sees me naked on a massage table he assumes it is foreplay."
Client laughing: "Kind of like that song.....sometimes a back rub is just a back rub!"
Text Message from client: I bet you were just thinking how much you would like to massage me.
Hindsight is 20/20
Yesterday my husband and I popped into Walmart to grab a few household items. As we walked by the candy aisle I had an internal dialogue with myself about the pros and cons of picking up a bag of Ghirardelli's Milk Chocolate Caramels. In the end the weight-watching part of me won out over the chocoholic me and I secretly patted myself on the back for my strength as I pushed my cart toward the checkout lane.
Later in the evening I had an enormous craving for sweets and told my husband that I would just about kill for some chocolate. He said "Now we were at the grocery store today.... so why didn't you think about it then?" I replied "Well, I did think about it at the grocery store and I showed remarkable strength and will-power by passing it up. Of course right now I am wishing I had been a much weaker person."
Later in the evening I had an enormous craving for sweets and told my husband that I would just about kill for some chocolate. He said "Now we were at the grocery store today.... so why didn't you think about it then?" I replied "Well, I did think about it at the grocery store and I showed remarkable strength and will-power by passing it up. Of course right now I am wishing I had been a much weaker person."
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)