Remember the first time that you got to play Santa for your children? How warm your heart felt when you watched your child first lay eyes on the presents Santa left? How pleasant it was to watch your little one play with his toys? That Christmas morning is probably in the Top 10 best moments in your parental life. But as the child grows older, the Santa duties get tougher.
Take for instance Child Tight-Lippedus, the child who refuses to tell you what he wants for Christmas. Your child informs you that while he was at school, he wrote Santa a letter that contained his wish list. When you ask him what he wrote about, he tells you that you don't need to know--Santa knows. Weeks pass and you still have no clue what the little bugger wants. So you start to worry that your Santa endeavors will be a bust. You envision the look of disappointment on your child's face when he doesn't find that special toy under the tree. Then you see the disappointment segue into a depression that stems from your crushing his Christmas dream. You begin to contemplate the lifelong therapy that your child will need to get over this.
Or Child Non-Rockefeller, the youngster that asks for toys that are not even remotely close to being in Santa's budget. When you casually mention that his toy choice is expensive, he explains that he knows this and that was why he asked Santa to bring it--it doesn't cost him anything. You try subliminal messages to dissuade your offspring. You tell the child his toy choice is very popular and Santa may not have enough for all the good boys and girls. You ask him for a back-up toy selection and secretly pray it isn't as expensive as the first choice. You wonder how much your kidney is worth.
Child Primus-Wakened, the sibling that wakes up first and re-arranges the gifts to make sure he gets the biggest share of the loot. When you ask the child about the toy switch, he calmly looks you in the eye and denies that any of his toys belong to his brother. In his mind there are only two beings that know the truth about the toy allotment and he is pretty sure Santa will not be testifying against him. How do you diffuse this situation? If you insist that the toy selection is not accurate, you risk raising doubts about Santa being real. If you keep silent the child may become a repeat offender. Why he could branch out to Easter, pillage both baskets, nab both chocolate bunnies, and leave a single jelly bean for his younger brother.
Child Santa Sly-cosis is the child that no longer believes in Santa but keeps this knowledge to himself so he continues to get goodies. This child has previously been told that when he stops believing in Santa, Santa will quit coming to see him. His ability to pretend he is a believer, in effort to gain perks, indicates he might have a great future in politics.
Child Sherlock-ian is a child who possesses the ability to sniff out a present at almost the exact moment it leaves the mall. To combat this cunning Santa Sleuth you must be prepared to spend long periods of time in the gift-wrap department. While you are sweating your ass off in the gift-wrap line and cursing yourself for not leaving your coat in the car, you will have lots of time to review your checkbook's pitiful balance and reflect on why you subject yourself to this torture year after year.
Child Gluteus Miraculous wants the toy that is so rare and elusive that you know the chances of your obtaining it are as good as a gold monkey flying out your arse.
So why do we play Santa? Because despite being a source of stress, we still look forward to making our kid see a little Christmas magic. That 10 minutes of Christmas magic sure is worth it......
Merry Christmas!
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