Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Avatar 2?
GO BIG BLUE
I keep getting laughed at this week. Whenever I tell would-be clients that I do not have any appointments available after noon on Friday and Saturday due to my behind being parked in front of the television so I can watch UK play in the SEC Tournament.....they.... actually.... laugh. Bewildered, I am.
GO BIG BLUE!!!!
GO BIG BLUE!!!!
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Art to Ponder
Are the nunchucks hanging on the doorknob there to clack together and let someone know the door was opened?
Is the hand-print on the door ghostly or did someone forget to wash their hands after they changed the oil in their car?
HATE the expression Jesus has on his face. I can't decide if he is in agony or ecstasy. (Tons of people that thought this painting was "sick and sacrilegious" thought Jesus was sporting an ecstasy face)
That gun is so crooked I bet you couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with it.
The artist in me is screaming at all the different angles of the items scattered over the table. PICK ONE and make the rest of the items match it for goodness sake! When you look at things in real life do you see all the sides of items or do you have a line of sight and only know--not see--the whole item????
The cracking plaster looks like a map. Gold land masses and green water....just saying.
For a junkie this guy has the body of a Calvin Klein underwear model. Maybe the message is better living through chemistry?
All in all I would say "Disturbing" is the best description.
Heard This Week on the Massage Table
Bonus Tip: A client, who is normally a $10 tipper, handed me $20 and said "I always leave here with a new hairdo so I thought I should tip you for that too."
Religious Experience: After I introduced a client to her psoas muscle she exclaimed "OH LORD!". She then quickly added "Sorry for taking the name in vain but THAT HURT like lava burning all the way through me!"
When clients have their priorities straight:
Client: What time is that tornado supposed to hit? I told my husband my back hurt so I was going for my massage! (Yes, you made the blog again!)
Client: I am on the way....just wanted to make sure a tornado didn't take my house out first.
Religious Experience: After I introduced a client to her psoas muscle she exclaimed "OH LORD!". She then quickly added "Sorry for taking the name in vain but THAT HURT like lava burning all the way through me!"
When clients have their priorities straight:
Client: What time is that tornado supposed to hit? I told my husband my back hurt so I was going for my massage! (Yes, you made the blog again!)
Client: I am on the way....just wanted to make sure a tornado didn't take my house out first.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Bladder Stress Test
Yesterday I had probably the most uncomfortable, humiliating and irritating medical test EVER. I had a stress test for my bladder. I can laugh about this today but yesterday....not so much. For those of you that have not suffered this horror, please allow me to enlighten you.
*****Disclaimer***** If you are easily offended please stop reading now!
The procedure begins with a pelvic exam. Most of us gals have gotten used to these babies. The awkward position of lying on your back with your legs in stirrups. The sheet draped over your abdomen so you can feel less exposed. I truly do not understand this draping ritual as the only thing covered is your tummy--your hooha is airing out nicely--what with your legs spread eagle and your bottom almost completely hanging off the exam table.
After the pelvic exam, the really fun stuff begins. Not one, but TWO nurses/technicians performed the remaining parts of the test. Of course I had to discuss my bladder woes in great lengths with my medical team before the physical portion of the stress test began. After my full disclosure, I was ordered to set on a portaloo and urinate until I felt like my bladder was empty. That's right. I had to pee while two total strangers hovered around me watching. It was around this moment that I decided my sheet really was not a necessity as there was to be no modesty observed for the rest of this encounter.
After I voided, several electrodes were strategically taped around my anus and vagina. Now I have never been a Brazilian wax kinda gal but when the nurse started applying the tape down there... I thanked the stars that I had shaved my lady bits. While the first nurse was taping me up, the second nurse commented on how it was good that I had shaved. I thought it was rather curious for someone to make a comment about the Va J J grooming habits of a person that they didn't know from Adam.....but this would turn out to be one of the less intimate interactions of the day.
After the electrodes were in place, the taper decided to educate me on what was about to take place next. She explained that they were going to place two catheters in me to gauge my strengths and weaknesses and determine what type of incontinence I had. (I had sought medical advice because I was tired of tinkling when I coughed and sneezed) Since I had previously researched the procedure, I was somewhat informed about the details of the test. I was prepared for the cath, but when the taper told me that if she could not get the cath placed vaginally then she would have to do it anally, I must admit I was surprised. "Oh lets not" I said. Taper quickly told me that it was only about a 5 percent chance that this would become necessary. I told her to make sure I was in that 95th percentile group or we might need to reconsider this test. As "luck" would have it I made the cut and all systems were go without using the backdoor.
With all my electrodes and wires in place, I was ordered back on the portaloo. Taper then manned the computer monitor and keyboard....which she repeatedly stated was an older model than the one she used in her normal office. So when she initiated the test it really came as no surprise to me that the machine did not function like she assumed it would. Since the second nurse was in training she really could not offer any help in getting the computer program to work properly. After restarting the program multiple times with no success, taper determined that the catheter must have a defect. This meant she had to remove my cath and place a new one. I was not at all happy about this turn of events, because let us be clear....it did not feel so great the first time she placed it.
Second catheter is placed. Wires and doohickeys are hooked back up to the computer and when the test is initiated .....again.....the program still did not reset and register as taper thought it should. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Still no luck. At this point I had made up my mind if the damned thing was not going to work I was not going to let her stick me again and I was going to call it a day. The observer asked me to cough and when I did the computer did in fact register properly. So much to taper's jubilation, the torture--I mean test--resumed. Yup, the first cath was just fine--it was the computer operator that was defective. It was probably a good thing that taper could not read my mind.
The rest of the test involved taper filling my bladder with water and asking me to cough, to bear down like I would if I were "having a bowel movement", to let her know when I felt like my bladder was full, and when I had an overwhelming desire to void. Now while this doesn't sound so bad, it doesn't take into consideration that after each cough the observer nurse had to check in the bowl to see if there was any "drops" (of pee). If she did not see any drops but I felt like I had leaked....the observer would dab me off with a tissue or insert a gloved finger in me--you know you can't be too sure?! Sitting was not the only way I was measured. I was also asked to stand over the bowl and go through the coughing and bearing down routine. Have you ever stood in front of strangers....naked....and peed? See what I mean about that intimacy thing?
Two hours and several pee drops later, I was released from my private hell. As I was leaving the building, I texted my friend who works in the urology department. My message was simple: Sister, that sucked ass! As I drove home with my sights set on chocolate, a heating pad and pain relievers....I had to wonder if passing a bladder test was not a poor choice of words.
*****Disclaimer***** If you are easily offended please stop reading now!
The procedure begins with a pelvic exam. Most of us gals have gotten used to these babies. The awkward position of lying on your back with your legs in stirrups. The sheet draped over your abdomen so you can feel less exposed. I truly do not understand this draping ritual as the only thing covered is your tummy--your hooha is airing out nicely--what with your legs spread eagle and your bottom almost completely hanging off the exam table.
After the pelvic exam, the really fun stuff begins. Not one, but TWO nurses/technicians performed the remaining parts of the test. Of course I had to discuss my bladder woes in great lengths with my medical team before the physical portion of the stress test began. After my full disclosure, I was ordered to set on a portaloo and urinate until I felt like my bladder was empty. That's right. I had to pee while two total strangers hovered around me watching. It was around this moment that I decided my sheet really was not a necessity as there was to be no modesty observed for the rest of this encounter.
After I voided, several electrodes were strategically taped around my anus and vagina. Now I have never been a Brazilian wax kinda gal but when the nurse started applying the tape down there... I thanked the stars that I had shaved my lady bits. While the first nurse was taping me up, the second nurse commented on how it was good that I had shaved. I thought it was rather curious for someone to make a comment about the Va J J grooming habits of a person that they didn't know from Adam.....but this would turn out to be one of the less intimate interactions of the day.
After the electrodes were in place, the taper decided to educate me on what was about to take place next. She explained that they were going to place two catheters in me to gauge my strengths and weaknesses and determine what type of incontinence I had. (I had sought medical advice because I was tired of tinkling when I coughed and sneezed) Since I had previously researched the procedure, I was somewhat informed about the details of the test. I was prepared for the cath, but when the taper told me that if she could not get the cath placed vaginally then she would have to do it anally, I must admit I was surprised. "Oh lets not" I said. Taper quickly told me that it was only about a 5 percent chance that this would become necessary. I told her to make sure I was in that 95th percentile group or we might need to reconsider this test. As "luck" would have it I made the cut and all systems were go without using the backdoor.
With all my electrodes and wires in place, I was ordered back on the portaloo. Taper then manned the computer monitor and keyboard....which she repeatedly stated was an older model than the one she used in her normal office. So when she initiated the test it really came as no surprise to me that the machine did not function like she assumed it would. Since the second nurse was in training she really could not offer any help in getting the computer program to work properly. After restarting the program multiple times with no success, taper determined that the catheter must have a defect. This meant she had to remove my cath and place a new one. I was not at all happy about this turn of events, because let us be clear....it did not feel so great the first time she placed it.
Second catheter is placed. Wires and doohickeys are hooked back up to the computer and when the test is initiated .....again.....the program still did not reset and register as taper thought it should. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Still no luck. At this point I had made up my mind if the damned thing was not going to work I was not going to let her stick me again and I was going to call it a day. The observer asked me to cough and when I did the computer did in fact register properly. So much to taper's jubilation, the torture--I mean test--resumed. Yup, the first cath was just fine--it was the computer operator that was defective. It was probably a good thing that taper could not read my mind.
The rest of the test involved taper filling my bladder with water and asking me to cough, to bear down like I would if I were "having a bowel movement", to let her know when I felt like my bladder was full, and when I had an overwhelming desire to void. Now while this doesn't sound so bad, it doesn't take into consideration that after each cough the observer nurse had to check in the bowl to see if there was any "drops" (of pee). If she did not see any drops but I felt like I had leaked....the observer would dab me off with a tissue or insert a gloved finger in me--you know you can't be too sure?! Sitting was not the only way I was measured. I was also asked to stand over the bowl and go through the coughing and bearing down routine. Have you ever stood in front of strangers....naked....and peed? See what I mean about that intimacy thing?
Two hours and several pee drops later, I was released from my private hell. As I was leaving the building, I texted my friend who works in the urology department. My message was simple: Sister, that sucked ass! As I drove home with my sights set on chocolate, a heating pad and pain relievers....I had to wonder if passing a bladder test was not a poor choice of words.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
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