Funny Sign

Blonde Humor

Quote of the Day

“Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can using only their hands and feet make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.”
― Dave Barry

First Data Sucks for Credit Card Processing

The first year I was in business for myself I figured out that it was important to accept credit cards and thus began the quest for the best processor.  I scanned the internet for a few days and comparison shopped for the best rates, contracts, fees and equipment. After some deliberation I opted to go with First Data.  This would be one of the biggest mistakes I ever made and I counted down the years until I could dump them for a better, more honest and trustworthy processor.

On the surface First Data looked fantastic.  They had the cheapest percentage rates and they would supply my terminal at a reasonable monthly lease.  When I contacted a sales rep he was all too happy to walk me through my on-line application.  Verbally he told me that my contract would be for two years.  While I was filling out the application the contract magically changed to three years.  When I questioned this the sales rep assured me that he would change the contract to reflect the term of two years.  As you can guess, this was not the case.  No matter how many letters or phone calls I made (all of which were ignored) the contract was never corrected.

After the first year of hell,  I received a letter advising me of rate increases.  The cheap fees tripled in price on batch fees, transactions, and reports.  The letter stated if I did not agree with the new rates I could write a letter of refusal and they would consider keeping my fees at the same rate.  I returned their letter with my refusal and about a 2 weeks later I received written notification that I had not been a customer long enough to be in a position to refuse and my new fees would go into effect the following week.  The following year my fees went up again and my refusal was ignored for the same reason.  I was also hit with a compliance fee for $160/year.  I found out last year that most companies only charge $75 for PC compliance.  


The next point of contention was when the sales rep put me on the line with a leasing consultant.  The lady on the line identified herself with First Data Global Leasing and she informed me that I had to agree to four years for the terminal lease at $27/month.  After the first year I was also required to carry insurance on the terminal at an additional cost of $4/month....even though it was THEIR property.  What I failed to realize was that First Data and First Data Global Leasing were in fact two different entities.  Silly me!  I thought the lease program was a different division of First Data ......just like they hoped I would.  I found out the truth the first time I called to complain about the differences in years on the contracts.  Again, my complaints were ignored.

Being new and inexperienced in this credit card game, I thought $27/month was a good deal.  Now I know that I could have bought a terminal for about $600 new or $300 used instead of spending $1200 and still never owning the piece of crap.  In fact when I went to cancel my contract at year 3, they forced me to pay $430 more to end my contract a year early AND still return the terminal.

I canceled my accounts with both agencies one year ago and began using Ameribanc for my credit card processing.  So you can only imagine how completely surprised I was when I received a letter from FDGL - last week- informing me that I had a "NON-CANCELABLE" lease and my failure to pay would result in a multitude of ugly collections and credit reporting misery.....oh and they thanked me for my "continued business" in another paragraph.  When I called FDGL the rational part of me knew that the person who answered the phone was not the person responsible for screwing me without giving me a kiss, but the pissed off part of me was who dominated this conversation.  I started out trying to be diplomatic but when she told me the reason I received the letter was because I had never returned the terminal.....the F bomb made a grand entrance and the conversation went south in a hurry.  The call ended with my demanding a letter of satisfaction clearing my account once and for all.  I got the letter today and even though it stated that my lease was paid in full and that I had no further obligation to FDGL, it incorrectly stated that I had opted to keep the equipment.   Shocking that they made yet another mistake isn't it?

Four years later and my contracts have still never been corrected, but thankfully (HOPEFULLY) I am no longer associated with these jerks.  I learned a valuable and very costly lesson with First Data.  I hope this blog entry can save others from making the same mistake.

Mel Gibson

Since I have been resting as much as possible this weekend, I have had loads of time to catch up on my reading and wasting time on television.  The upshot is that I finished The Help and I started reading The Memory Keeper's Daughter, both fine books by the way....and who knew the latter was set in Lexington, Kentucky?  The downside is that I have seen way too many bad movies and that all of my favorite shows are on hiatus.  Soooooo I decided to watch Braveheart for like the bazillionth time.

Is there really such a thing as watching Braveheart too many times?  I think not.  Mel's masterpiece can still elicit tears from me no matter how many times I have seen it.  The music is fantastic.  The lush, green hills and crystal water cinematography warms the soul.  A love story paired with war allows both men and women to enjoy the movie.  Mel with long hair, a kilt and a Scottish brogue....does it get any better than that? 

As I was appreciating this film it made me feel sad for Mel.  He has starred in so many good movies and he has directed some fine things too.  (I know Apocalypto got panned but I liked it!)  But despite all of his genius, Mel will forever be known as the drunk that made nasty comments about Jews and cops and for his fugly relationship with that Euro trash woman.  I know what he said was bad form, but he was intoxicated people!  Who among us has not said something we regretted  the second it flew off our tongues?  Now if we factor in the alcohol magnifying his mouth overdrive while simultaneously slowing the brain gears.....I feel like we should cut him some slack.  That bimbo?  Maybe there was some domestic violence but given her track record for being a gold digging ho.....I do not think I can condemn him for this bad judgement.  I mean we all know when the South Pole gets hard it shuts off a certain amount of blood flow to the North Pole, so he was clearly making decisions with an organ that was not his brain.  Plus, he was married for a long dang time to his wife and the only complaints she had was his drinking problem and his philandering.  I would tend to think if he beat her that the media would have caught wind of it and cheerfully broadcast this news.

Think about it folks.  If Mel Gibson was just an average Joe, we probably would never have heard about any of his failures nor his troubled life.  Being under the microscope is the trade off for his celebrity status.  This can't be easy.  Maybe I am being naive or simply infatuated with this talented, handsome man.....or maybe I realize that he is a mere human who is flawed like the rest of us.  Whatever the reason, I would like to send up this offering to Mr. Gibson:  In the words of William Wallace, "I love ya, I always have."

TGIF

Ever have one of those days?  I have had one of those weeks and I cannot begin to tell you how happy I am that my work week is just about over.

I have not been feeling very well for about a week now.  I have never been one to underachieve so why would I settle for getting the every day run of the mill bug?   What started out as allergies, moved into a sinus infection and just yesterday when I returned to the doctor's office to complain that my Z pack was not working.....I was diagnosed with MONO and a nasty ear infection.  So go me!  Not only did the doc give me a new antibiotic--she also scripted me some horrific ear drops.  Let me just say that I can totally relate to my dog now.  I shivered and shook my head when those babies went in my ear canal and tugged on the cotton balls for hours.  Empathy, thy name is Kim.

So the doctor assured me that I was not contagious and could continue working if I wanted.  Well, my first client was okay with seeing me.  The second client--I felt it better to cancel as she just finished a round of chemo and her immune system was weakened.  My next client could not get off the phone fast enough when I explained my situation--like I was transferring that "kissing disease" through the airwaves! 

So with my work load lightened, I decided to tackle defrosting the office mini fridge.  The tiny little freezer section has been growing into a glacier for some time now and was threatening to take over the place.  In lieu of an ice pick I began chipping away with a screwdriver.  This was working great.....right up to the point when I dislodged a rather large chunk of ice and ruptured the coolant doohickey.  My face and chest were  sprayed with freon and thanks to the ice shifting I could not get the damn door closed so I got nice soaking.  So this is me signing off to go buy a new fridge.  TGIFF!

Sharing Massage Clients

Working with your massage therapist spouse can be both rewarding and trying.  Over time most of our difficulties disappeared.....meaning, in our case, he resigned himself to let me make most of the office decisions.  Just kidding....well, sort of.  For the most part we have the same ideas about what we want our clinic to be.  Naturally we have our own styles when it comes to massage therapy.  We both prefer doing real therapy over general relaxation massage and we both apply science and anatomy into formulating treatment plans for our clients.  I tend to be more laid back and he tends to be more clinical, but we both shoot for professional.  Our styles attract different client bases, but sometimes we recognize that what the client needs might be better served by a different therapist. 

Luckily for us, we can refer our clients to each other if we determine the client needs a different area of expertise.  If you ask a massage therapist what they think their strongest modality or best treatment is they will generally be able to tell you what they have the most success treating and how they do it.  Hubby has a great reputation with the running and/or marathon crowd and he has a great deal of knowledge about TMJ issues due to his working in the dental field for over 20 years.  I am known for specific neck work and headache management.  Whereas both of us can give you a good therapeutic massage, sometimes we know that our client needs our partner's skills.  This is one way the shared client comes into play.

Over the years we have developed a shared client base.  Most were initiated by us referring clients to each other for specific treatment, but some were started by the clients not being able to get into see their regular therapist so they agreed to try the spouse.  This works out well for all parties involved.  The client gets the best therapy and if they want to shake things up a bit they can alternate between us for some variety.  We will hopefully retain clients longer, not lose money, and get twice the word of mouth.

Is there a downside?  Yes.  Occasionally when we see each others clients, they decide they like the spouse better and decide they do not want to be shared.  Now let me clarify that this is not problematic for us, but it can cause the client to feel awkward.  They may feel guilty for changing their loyalty to the other therapist and in the super rare extreme case, they may feel so uneasy that they quit coming to either of us just so they do not have to feel odd. 

We had a perfect example of this last week.  I had been working with a client for several months for TMJ issues and arthritic hips.  I had encouraged this client to see Hubby more than once but he was shy about seeing a male therapist.  Last week I had a touch of a stomach bug and needed to re-schedule his appointment so when we were looking at the calendar I casually mentioned that Hubby could see him and he could keep his appointment.  I was pleasantly surprised when he agreed.  After his session he was so pleased with his TMJ treatment that he decided to rebook with Hubby.....but he was sheepish about setting up his next visit.  When he asked me if it would be awkward or cause any problems if he saw Hubby again, I was quick to reassure him that I was perfectly OK with his decision.  I reminded him that I had told him how much better at TMJ work Hubby was and then to break the tension I said "Hey babe, the money goes in the same bank account no matter who you see!"  After a good laugh we set his appointment with Hubby and all was right in the massage world again.

I say share and share alike....and hopefully when I share it will be a 350 lb burly guy that just loves Hubby. 

Super Shopper is Super Annoying

This weekend I ventured out to Walmart for a few items and as usual I left the store with more items than I really meant to buy.  I usually give my business to Meijer as they stock more Made in the USA products, but Walhalla was on the same side of town as my gym so it was supposed to be a quicker trip.  Alas quicker was not in the cards for me.  I had the terrible misfortune of getting in the checkout line behind Suzy Super Shopper. 

Suzy was decked out in pink stretch polyester from head to toe to accentuate her not so girlish figure.  Her little cat eye glasses were sitting on the tip of her nose so she could peer over the lenses at all of her items while she fastidiously compared their prices with the Meijer sales flyer she was clutching.  After each item was scanned she would peruse her flyer and then point out Meijer's price so the Walmart clerk would discount her items to match the price Meijer was advertising.  Now let me just say that I am not frugal by any stretch of the imagination but I do use coupons and from time to time I will ask stores to match their competitor's prices.  But a whole cart, really?  I thought ole Suzy was going a bit over the top...... and may or may not have mumbled this and a few other four-letter words as I pulled my cart out of the now stalled checkout line.

So besides a need to vent my frustration, here is my question.  If you have that many stinking items that you are demanding price matching on, why in the hell didn't you go to Meijer in the first place?  Suzy, are you listening?  How about you do the rest of us a favor and quit holding up the checkout lines so you can save a penny or two on your canned peas and toilet paper?  Then maybe--just maybe..... you should consider taking your ass to Meijer next time!

Guided Imagery and Massage

      A dream which is not interpreted is like a letter which is not read. 

 ~The Talmud

Have you ever woke up from a powerful dream and still felt the emotions that you were "feeling" in your dream?  Better still, have you ever had your significant other wake you because you were fighting someone or something in your dream and it carried over into beating the crap out of your bedmate?  Had a dream that you felt might be a premonition?  Chances are most of us have had at least one of these dreams but when we are asked if we ever stopped to wonder what the dream was trying to communicate to us, the group would be quite small.

Ancients believed that dreams had the power to solve problems, heal sickness and bring spiritual revelation.  Scientists today subscribe to the theory that dreams are a product of a certain kind of sleep and a way for the brain to process important data.  Mystics believe dreams are opportunities for the soul to leave the body and experience other dimensions, while psychologists believe dreams represent the working of the unconscious mind.  Whatever the reason, it is estimated that we spend one third of our lives sleeping and on average we dream for a total of two hours or so every night.

During later stages of gestation the unborn child exhibits signs of REM (rapid eye movement) activity in the womb.  This has led to the suggestion that dreaming is somehow linked with human growth and development.  Similarly, lab testing has shown that if you deprive people from REM sleep, the subject becomes unwell very fast.  It seems that even if we do not remember them, our dreams play an important role in health and well being.  It has even been suggested that we sleep in order to dream.

So is it a reasonable leap that guided imagery can have some of the same healthy effects as dreaming? 
Sometimes lumped in with meditation, guided imagery is more of an illustrated journey that moves the body and mind to a place of serenity through the use of verbal pictures in a kind of narrative form. It can be either pre-recorded or improvised, and uses the spoken word presented in soothing tones to create a calming visualization. This is especially useful for people who feel stressed out most of the time or who may find it difficult to totally relax on their own. 

So what happens when you combine massage therapy with guided imagery?  Various studies have shown that guided imagery and massage both help to boost our immune system as well as encourage relaxation and elevate our moods.   Putting together this relaxation technique with massage therapy helps reinforce the body, mind and spirit connection in several ways. Using touch, massage brings a physical awareness to the body, while the spoken word can encourage the client's thoughts to be quiet. Together they may assist in generating a deeper sense of internal spirituality.  While guided imagery is more than simply telling your client to relax, it doesn’t have to include a fully illustrated journey. The goal of combining the practices of guided meditation and massage is to bring the client’s mind into harmony with a relaxed and stress-free physical state.  Two examples of useful journeys are described below:

· Imagine warm sunlight coming down from above. The warm, golden light beams down, touches the top of your head and relaxes the tension held in your scalp. The golden glow moves down your body slowly stopping to warm each muscle group, draining any tightness into the earth below you.

· As you feel your body relax and release tension it becomes lighter and lighter. As resistance is removed, your body becomes so light it begins to float. You lift off the earth and float like a cloud up to the sky. The warm sun envelops you and a gentle breeze carries you through the sky.


I must admit I was one of the skeptics and reluctantly agreed to allow a massage therapist friend of mine to incorporate some cranial sacral therapy (CST) into my massage session.  With her soothing words and gentle touch I relaxed to an almost dream-like state and was magically teleported to a waterfall surrounded by lush green foliage.  I was so shocked by what seemed like a clever version of a Jedi mind trick that I abruptly left my peaceful imagery and said "What the hell was that?".  The CST allowed me to get more relaxed than I had ever been during a massage session so I took it a step further and did yoga with guided imagery.  I came away from my first yoga/imagery session feeling absolutely stoned.....but in a good way of course.

Not every client will be open to guided imagery; some may actually find it more stressful, conflicting with their own efforts of relaxing during a massage. For some people, a quiet massage therapy session with gentle music is more soothing. But for those who find the inclusion of guided imagery a good thing, it can be an effective addition to their approach in maintaining good physical health and mental well-being. 

I say let your unconscious be your guide!

Low Back Pain: Five Tips for Massage Therapy Clients

Considered to be one of the most common reasons Americans seek medical help, low back pain plagues at least four out of five adults at some point in their lives. Capable of causing excruciating pain, finding relief from this common ailment can be tricky. Despite a seemingly endless parade of techniques and products promoting back pain relief, an increasing number of Americans are recognizing that massage therapy ranks near the top of low back pain interventions. Since massage therapists frequently encounter low back pain sufferers, knowing how to guide people on keeping their back pain-free can dramatically boost a client's quality of life.

Massage Tops Low Back Pain Approaches
Massage therapy has been a coveted way to relieve low back pain for as long as historical documents on the subject exist. However, a new study commands an even greater level of respect for massage's effectiveness at helping this problem. As published in a July 2011 edition of the Annals of Internal Medicine, a study funded by the U.S. National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine evaluated the effectiveness of massage therapy for chronic low back pain.
In this study, over 400 participants with chronic low back pain either received weekly whole-body massages for relaxation, weekly massages that focused on specific muscle problems around the lower back and hips, or usual care. Those receiving usual care typically took pain medications or muscle relaxants, saw doctors or chiropractors, received physical therapy or simply did nothing. The researchers found that both types of massage therapy were much more effective at relieving low back pain than usual care. After 10 weeks of intervention, the following was reported:
• 36 percent of patients receiving weekly whole-body relaxation massage said their pain was nearly or completely gone.
• 39 percent of patients receiving weekly massage that focused on specific muscle problems around the lower back and hips said their pain was nearly or completely gone.
• Just 4 percent of patients receiving usual care said their pain was nearly or completely gone.

Tips to Prevent Back Pain
Massage therapy's ability to relieve back pain is rarely disputed, but therapists can also help their clients prevent low back pain recurrence. The following suggestions can help prevent low back pain from returning:
1. Quit Smoking - Smoking cigarettes seems to worsen just about every known health condition, including low back pain. Likely because smoking hinders blood circulation, experts assert that smokers are 30 percent more likely to suffer from back pain than non-smokers.
2. Get Up and Move - Whether behind a wheel, in front of a computer or just watching TV, sitting for extended periods of time is one of the worst positions for the low back. The spinal discs are spongy and cushion the vertebrae, but they naturally have poor blood supply. Upon getting up and moving, fluid circulates around the discs. On the other hand, sitting starves the discs of fluid making them vulnerable to damage.
3. Stretch and Strengthen Core Muscles - Most physicians agree that regular stretching and strengthening of the core muscles constitute the most important lifestyle practices for preventing back pain. Advise clients in a safe stretch and strengthen program with a focus on back, abdominal, oblique and leg muscles.
4. Lift Properly - Those who lift heavy objects for a living are well aware of the importance of body mechanics, but the rest of us may not be. Always engage abdominal muscles during a lift, bend the knees, keep back straight, don't bend at the waist, keep object close to the body, do not hold an item higher than armpits or lower than knees, don't move something over 20 percent of your body weight, don't pivot, twist or turn while lifting, point feet at the item being lifted, and only change direction with the feet (not the waist). These instructions will help prevent back muscles from being strained.
5. Wear Back-Friendly Shoes - Supportive, low-heeled or flat shoes are crucial for preventing back injury. Although high heels may be high fashion, they increase the arch in the low back. This spinal alignment change increases one's susceptibility to low back injury.

Because they offer one of the most effective techniques for relieving low back pain, massage therapists are in an ideal position to advise their clients on injury prevention. By emphasizing the hazards of smoking, sitting and wearing high heels while also encouraging proper strengthening, stretching and lifting, therapists can effectively help their clients get rid of low back pain for good.

Quote of the Day

My husband came in this morning to show me all the eggs that his hens had laid.  He said "You know when I spend time with them I think they lay better."  I said "Well, aren't you just the chicken whisperer!"

Heard Today on the Massage Table

When I noticed a particularly large knotted muscle today, I said "Wow!  Thaaaaaaat's a knot!"

My client without missing a beat said "Only the best for you babe!".

                               ************************************************




When I was doing some deep tissue work that did not feel good to my client, I said "Sorry.  I know that doesn't feel so good."

My client said "You need a sign in here that says 'Masseuse means never having to say you're sorry'"

                      ***********************************************************




Client:  "Oh I never come in here expecting relaxation.  I was amazed that you let me."

Seasons Are a Changin'

Labor Day Weekend in Kentucky sucked this year.  On Friday and Saturday the temperature was near 100 degrees.  On Sunday and Monday the weather was much cooler and wetter.  In four days time we had a temperature swing of 40 degrees.  So much for that last cookout of summer.  But it sure made it easier for me to paint my bedroom when the weather was not trying to entice me outside.  Summer is definitely easing out gracefully and fall is rapping on the door.

Fall is my favorite season.  The air is crisp.  The leaves are changing into beautiful bursts of dark, vibrant colors...ahhhh nature's purge.  The fireplace gets used.  Chili!  Seat warmers!  School is back in session and the kids are being entertained by someone else for a change.  Bulky sweaters and over-sized hoodie sweatshirts are my fashion of choice--not for the stylish look but for the hiding of muffin tops.  Flannel sheets!  Hot chocolate with marshmallow cream.  Scarves and hats for my wanna-be-Brit fetish.   Hot stone massages.  Hot tubs keeping you cozy even when it is cool outside.  Halloween!  UK hoops!  Pumpkins for pie and jack-o-lanterns. 

Bring. It. On.

Quote of the Day

If you have to ask yourself if what you are about to do might get you into trouble, then it will probably make a good story someday.  ~KB

Shave That Thang!

Unless you are a powerful wizard named Gandalf.......for the love of all that is holy, SHAVE!

No Show Clients

My original post was:  People that book appointments then later decide they cannot make their appointments and do not bother to call and cancel or re-schedule are inconsiderate jerks that cost me money and waste my time.  That is all.

But after I counted to ten and found my zen, I thought it might be better to explain why the no call-no show appointment booker should value my time, which was set aside especially for them, and perhaps help them to be a bit more considerate in the future.

When I schedule massage appointments I put some thought into setting the times.  I know that sounds like I am blowing something simple way out of proportion but it really does take some planning as there are many factors that come into play when I work on my schedule and I am very organized.... to the edge of obsessive compulsive disorder....some might say.  I would like to believe that if clients were aware of all the energy and time that went in to my planning, then they would not be so quick to bail on their massage appointments--especially with little or no notice.  Rebecca of Sunnybrook anyone?

Since I share my treatment room with a yoga instructor we have to coordinate our schedules and when we are both busy this can be a bit of a juggling act.  When we introduce new clients into the mix we spend a considerable amount of time working out exactly when we can schedule appointments without interrupting each others time.  We keep our schedules on-line so we have access to schedules for each other, but even then I still have to make phone calls to make certain that the calendar is current and all our appointments are logged into the system.  OCD much?   Sharing my room helps me out financially but it hinders my flexibility in schedule changes.

I have several standing appointments....which is a great thing for a massage therapist.  Some of these appointments are weekly and some bi-weekly.  By booking early and consistently my clients with standing appointments are guaranteed to get a massage at their preferred time.  When I set appointments for clients that are not seen regularly they are sometimes forced to accept appointments at a time that might not be their first choice, but it is the only time that our (the client and me) schedules will allow for their massage.  Standing appointments also help me out financially but can limit schedule flexibility as well.

I do independent contract work for a country club several days each month.  My schedule at the club is very flexible and if my appointments are not booked by a certain time, I have the freedom to cancel my workday and see clients at my office.....or take the occasional day off.  The club gets an average of 8-10 massages from me each month and they are terrific about referring clients to my office on days that I am not available at their wellness center.  My work at the club is another nice financial opportunity for me but it also contributes to scheduling difficulties.

Another consideration is that I am limited on how many massage appointments I can physically do without killing myself.  Through trial and jacked up body errors I have found that I can do 4 massages daily and around 19 weekly without my body complaining too much.  My goal is to work 4-5 days each week and to be done for the day by 7:30pm.  Sometimes this happens.....sometimes I work 6 days and do more massages than my body wants me to do.  To combat my body aches and fatigue it is necessary for me to  get my own massages regularly.  I also workout with a personal trainer two days each week.  While all of my scheduling conflicts are important, taking care of myself is the most important..... but it is also the one conflict that I have complete control over so it is the one that gets changed to accommodate clients.  Soooo, can you imagine how cranky I get when I re-schedule my own massage and then my would-be client doesn't bother to show up?  Not a happy panda is not even remotely close to my level of grumpiness.

When you take all these things into consideration you can see that it really isn't all that easy to get those massage appointments set up.  Years ago when I was a new therapist and had lots of open appointment times, it was not a big deal to re-schedule clients to other days and times.  Now that I am consistently booked it is a much bigger deal when someone does not show up for their scheduled appointment.  Chances are that the no-show client cost me money and possibly a new client as several times each week I have to turn away business due to my schedule being full. 

So how do I fix this?  Hire more staff to handle my overflow?  Did that.  Enforce my cancellation policy? (Yes, I really do have one in place!)  Being a hard ass is not really my thing but I may have to reconsider this.  Take a credit card number for new clients when they call to schedule their first appointment?  Yeah, I could do that but this could turn off some potential clients-- but it might be one sure way to deter the no-show appointment.  Hoping that others do the right thing and value my time as much as their own?  So far that has not worked out very well.  Call and rake the appointment breaker over the coals?  If I didn't mind stooping to their rude and inconsiderate level......hey, that's something to think about. :)