Friday, February 21, 2014

Heard This Week on the Massage Table

Text from client:  In the vein of The Beatles, I want you, I want you soooo bad.

Client:  "I am not sure what happens but I have the most releases and my belly gurgles every time I see you."
Me:  "Good!  That means I am doing my job."


Client:  "This is Miss Kim and she massages your daddy every week.....and he is still that grumpy."

Client:  "I am so happy that you are rubbing me today."

Me:  "My niece had her baby boy last Thursday.  She was in labor 19 hours before they decided to do a c-section. She named him Dallas and I told her she needed to change his middle name to Ft. Worth since he delayed his arrival for many hours."

Client:  "Remember the last time I was here and I asked what might be causing my leg pain?  You told me that it was probably because I was standing on the outer ridge of my foot.  You were right.  I have been trying to be more aware of my body and after correcting my stance, I have been feeling much better in my legs and hips."

Me:  "Your back is so much better since we have been working on it."
Client:  "It's ALL better since I have been coming here!"


Client:  "Oh my god you are skinny!  How much weight have you lost?  And you need to lose those jeans they are way too big on you.  Now you need to get your boobs reduced."
Me:  "Thanks?"
Another Client:  "People pay perfectly good money for boobs like yours."

Ten Easy At-Work Workouts

***Sharing from Huffington Post**



After a long day at the office, you're exhausted -- and why shouldn't you be? You spent eight hours analyzing, synthesizing, staring at a computer and/or networking with clients, customers or coworkers. You didn't have time for a substantial lunch, and your stomach growls that dinner can't wait until after a workout. You need food now. And the thought of a sports drink and a power bar just isn't as appealing as the idea of glass of Bordeaux, a square of dark chocolate and flannel pants. Yes, it's nearly impossible to trade in your slacks for mesh shorts when what you really crave are your pajamas.
Next time you can't bring yourself to stop at the gym on your way home from the office, don't sweat it. You don't need to force exercise after work, when there's desk-ercise at work.
Here are eight covert ways to work your body while you work your job, without your boss ever knowing the difference.

1) Business as Usual
While seated in your chair, perform leg extensions. Lift your feet off the floor until your knees are completely straight and their muscles contracted. With enough repetitions (and maybe with the added weight resistance of a heavy pair of leather boots), your quads will tone before the end of the quarter. Best part? What happens under your desk, stays under your desk.
2) Regular Raises
Waiting in line at the copy machine? Don't just stand there -- climb onto those tippy-toes. If nobody is looking, lower and lift in sets of 30 repetitions. If you're being watched, hold yourself up in the air. Shapely calves stabilize and empower -- not to mention look sleek and sexy in a pair of heels.
3) Credit Crunch
The upright crunch is one of the most effective conditioning drills you have up your cardigan sleeve. While typing a report, keep your back straight, lift your knees above the chair, and hold them there until your contracted abdominal muscles can't take any more.
4) Turn-Around Time
This exercise requires a swivel chair, and is only suitable in an empty office. Begin with the Credit Crunch, but kick it up a notch. After you elevate your legs, go for a spin. Jerk your knees for momentum and rotate. See how many revolutions you can make before exhausting your core. This one makes getting fit fun.
5) The Floor Trader
Instead of walking down the hall to the nearest restroom, extend your bathroom break by choosing a lavatory on a different floor. And don't use the elevator! The extra stair ascending and descending each day will add up, and result in the positive kind of company loss.
6) Market Pull
Place your hands in your lap with one downturned palm resting on top of the upturned palm. Your arms should form a straight line from elbow to elbow. Start sliding your hands apart, curl your fingers, and lock them together. Now pull as hard as you can without breaking your grip. Rest and repeat. This isometric exercise works your traps, delts, triceps and biceps without you ever leaving your cubicle.
7) Push Production
Place your hands in your lap with palms kissing one another as if in prayer. Now push your hands together. Rest and repeat. This works your pecs, biceps and triceps. Gym membership? Who needs it? You'll be sure to see a return on this investment.
8) Desk Assignment
To reap further benefits of isometric exercise, place your palms under the base of your desktop and push up against its resistance. Alternatively, lay your palms flat on the top of your desk and push down. If you've recently received a nasty memo, slip it under your press for additional motivation.
9) Binding Contract
While perched in your desk chair, tighten your gluteus muscles. Alternate between quick releases and longer holds. Either way, squeeze with all your might. Although, if you have a particularly observant coworker sitting behind you, you might want to opt for the longer, more discreet, holds.
10) Active Portfolio
Have a lunch hour? Instead of spending it reading 50 Shades of Grey in the break room, take the first 40 minutes and walk around the neighborhood, or in bad weather, the building. Then circle back to the office fridge, pick up your lunch and enjoy it for the remaining 20 minutes. You've earned it!

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Heard This Week on the Massage Table

Text from client:  My leg feels sooooo much better. Thank u, thank u, thank u! And watched Downton, something for sure.  Sad but good.
Me:  So glad your leg is better!  And so glad you watched it because I was dying inside when you were telling me about the interview with Anna!


Text from client:  Good luck on my neck today.  I think some lil munchkin that ties muscles in knots comes to me every night and ties all of mine like 8 times.


Text from client:  breakout the hot stones and tiger balm....sore as F*ck



Client:  (Husband) was trying to massage me the other night and he said "Come to the bedroom and I will do what Kim does to me."  I asked him exactly what kind of massage he had been getting!


Me:  My dad asked me why I was always getting sick so I told him "You try standing over naked bodies all day long and rubbing them from head to toe and see how many germs YOU pick up."


Client:  How are the chickens doing in this weather?
Me:  Well they basically are on strike.  Can't really blame them....I wouldn't want to be outside working in zero degree weather either. And if  Hubby doesn't get the eggs as soon as they are laid, they freeze and explode. Who knew?


Client:  Is it hard doing a 2 hour massage?
Me:  Are you kidding me?  I could do 2 hours and then some and still not get around all your knots!